Maybe I should do more running uphill...

After checking my email on Thursday night and being met with a forward containing this url, I've been browsing and reading online stuff about that 1937 event. For about maybe 4 or so years now, I have felt really screwed whenever I think of a girl getting r__ed. And I'm not sure why. Is it a psychological clash between sexual desires I have inside and the pity I have when I imagine the pain suffered by the victim, especially when it is furthered by the confirmation of a pregnancy? Was I the result of such an assault? This comes head-on with a sexual desire I have inside. Is it the natural wanting to mate, am I lonely as a priest once suggested of me when I went to confession, or did I already have such love for my unknown wife that I desire to manifest this love in the act of procreation?
And now I read on this stuff. Such feelings of guilt. Not because I feel I caused their pain (I wasn't even born yet!) but because despite feeling so sorry for them, I still feel a sexual desire. And yet I know it is very dishonoring and disrespectful of their dignity! Lord help me.
And then, as is often when I spin my mind around an unhappy thing, I would entertain or recall other unhappy things. This one here led me to think about death. Maybe because those people, especially the children and those who had exciting aspirations, never got a chance to experience life more. And you know how I am always afraid of death.
And along with death, I also thought of my parents. I would think of myself getting into trouble somehow with the police and getting stunned or beaten down while my mom's blood pressure skyrockets as she watches helplessly while I call out to her as I am held by the cops. I would also dread the day when my mom will say to me, after my dad's funeral, that I will have to take care of her now that dad is no longer here. That will be so unbearable!