WCCCLC 2005

I am at my workplace in downtown and I have just finished printing out reports so that I don't have to do them tomorrow (Tuesday) morning. It was Labour Day long weekend in Canada and I have come back from the annual WCCCLC (aka: Ga Sai). This was my fifth time I have been to the Camp since I started going in 2000 and I skipped last year (more on that later). I have actually written a reflections before after my first time in 2000. But this one I am about to write will be very different. It will be more about my relationship with the brothers & sisters of the Camp throughout the years since I joined (Uh-oh, you might say, this doesn't sound good. Well, we will see.)

I have always seen GaSai as one of the activities which the laity of the Church can use as a tool to preach the Gospel. Yet, it may be because of what I have said or did in the beginning that turned off or even upset many people. I often feel some sort of backstabbing or giggling/whispering behind my back and people's attitudes towards me are not as open and casual/friendly as seems towards others. I am a person of low self-esteem. I am also very introverted and I tend to spin my mind around and around over things. Thus I am be quite sensitive and tend to think that it is my fault that people act the way they do in response to my actions (or lack of) and even my presence.

Here are a few of examples of what I think may have been what turned off people. Some of the things that I said in reflecting on my first GaSai, perhaps about the P&W sessions, may not have been well-accepted. It may also have been the group email messages which I used to post all the time. I usually intend these postings to be informative so that people won't have to experience what I experienced (regarding meeting challenges by Protestants against the Faith). Looking back, I now see those experiences as not necessarily a bad thing. Anyway, continuing on, the wording of my postings may have given a sense of contempt for the people of the email Group. Thus for the past year or so, I have almost completely not send any messages. I do realize that sometimes I get carried away with posting so much messages that people may have viewed it as freaky and unnecessary. My intent has always been to simply tell people that if you don't learn about your own religion, you may not be able to handle the challenges that will inevitably come towards you. But I think that even with good intentions the number of messages as well as the content of the messages should be controlled.

Another thing that probably did turn people off was my display of work ethics. I was part of the Program Team for the year 2002 and the Finance Team Co-ordinator for 2003. I was at times late or unprepared for the meeting. Promptness and preparedness are basic things expected of a team member if s/he was to show seriousness in working on something that will affect the entire project (in this case, GaSai). And at the same time, here is this guy freaking out over being a more knowledgeable and spiritual Catholic when he can't even be disciplined enough on something as simple as being adequately prepared for meetings and coming to meetings on time!

Still one more example I suspect may have caused people to act (or not act) the way they did in regards to me. As mentioned above already, I am an introverted person. I am very uptight. People have told me to lighten up and to relax. It's like my entire nervous system is freaking. Thus it is not only in what I say to people or how I think something, but also in my posture and facial expression. I don't exactly have a jolly face nor do I have a heartful pleasant laugh. So people may question me as to what kind of person I am if I just don't act like a person who truly loves God despite all the things that I say as in my email postings for example. There just seems to be something inconsistent. Of course, I don't claim to know a lot but I think I must say that I have done much reading and contemplating and I just seriously think that many Catholics don't have enough clue of what they are missing out if they are just nominal. I hope I don't say/believe these things to make myself feel good, but only God knows the real reason why I say them. I just want to get that message out and let people know but I guess talking is also an art. How you present your ideas will directly affect what kind of emotions will be instilled to the audience.

That's pretty much it for examples but I want to say that I truly think GaSai is a great activity for the young laity in response to Vatican II's calling for more lay involvement in the Gospel sharing duty of the Church. I also want to say that I don't want to stop helping out or enjoying GaSai because of what I think other brothers & sisters think of me. IF it is true what I said above, I think it would be unfair to me to quit going or helping out with GaSai. It would also be foolish and perhaps even showing no character if I was to shy away from GaSai just because of how others act towards me. Like I said, GaSai is a useful evangelizing tool and why should I abandon it by placing my own issues over the needs of other people? If it is good for the Church, why not continue to contribute in some way?

I still remember one year (2002?) when I indicated that I would not be GF (ie: group facilitator) that year and then a girl giggled with a comment (roughly translated), "Hmm... is it because there was a problem." I was actually surprised when I heard that at first because first of all I didn't think I had a problem with being a GF for people. My only issue with being a GF is that I don't have the skills to create team spirit, myself being so introverted. Second, the girl's comment made me think that people may have seen me having unfriendly issues with people. This was, as much as I can think, not the case. Why would I want to be unfriendly with anybody?? Similar giggling/whispering behind the back was sensed on Friday night when I was presenting my group name and theme. It didn't bother me as much for the very act of backstabbing but why people acted the way they did. I keep thinking that it must have been something that I did (or said). Also, it is the year 2005 and this backjabbing/laughing thing has started I believe in 2000 so it's already been 5 years. If it is still going on, then either I have not improved at all OR whatever I did/said back then must have been really bad.

But now, it seems another issue has come up. And I actually don't know how long it's been. Girls. Yesterday, one of the girls in my group was with her fiance and I heard them saying things. The girl said, "James is a good person." And her boyfriend said in a soft voice "Be careful". The girl didn't say anything, presumably because I was there. I was thinking, "Oh my goodness. I can't believe this. Don't tell me you think I am interested in your girlfriend." It is already bad enough to have a bad image among my GaSai brothers and sisters but now one of them is thinking that I'm trying to mess with his fiance?? The boyfriend is a long-time GaSai person and is very close to the core bunch of friends (the people from CMCC).

[not trying to label any parish or whatever so as to negatively affect their public image]

It kind of hurts to think that despite all my sincerity (or at least what I sincerely think is sincerity), I get this sort of thing. I have always been friendly and smiling to people. I may not have much to talk about. I may be a boring person. My brain may not be as sharp and resourceful as many of the others, but I do care about all of them very much. I think people are capable of knowing who really cares for them and who doesn't. And, by their actions (or reactions), it seems to me that many of those folks don't find me sincere or accept my sincerity. Therefore, it is probably something wrong on my part. Do I sound negative? Maybe I am lacking self-esteem but am I correct in what have said?

As mentioned in the first paragraph already, I have been to GaSai 5 years already. I don't feel I need to go all the time, as in every year. Thus I did not go last year. And besides, I wanted to take a break from all the stuff I mentioned above (I hope that was the better choice). There must be a stopping point anyway. The Camp is geared towards young adults so the recommended range is 18-35. I could go maybe every second year. But what I want to say (and achieve) is that there is obviously a gap between the others and myself. A gap that is negative and unnecessary. I hope for reconciliation if that is the appropriate term. The term implies negative relationship but I don't want there to exist any negative relationship with anybody. I mean, what's the point??

One last note that I must add on is that I am not saying that everybody in GaSai acts/reacts in the ways as described above. There are some people who act quite okay (yes, I am saying that backjabbing/giggling is not okay). Maybe I can just focus on the okay parts, but I just feel I cannot ignore the not-okay parts. Reconciliation must be complete.

DATE: 7:28 PM Sept. 05, 2005