Changes
PART I:
Went to lunch with my Godfather and he shared some of his travelling experiences with me. Some of the things he told me about simply reminded me how creative people can be when it comes to doing bad things such as stealing. It just hurts me somehow somewhere deep inside. One of my biggest weaknesses growing up is that somewhere in the back of my mind (or perhaps even subconsciously??) I tend to think everybody is honest and can be trusted. Thus I tend to tell people almost anything. This can get me in trouble sometimes. I don't believe people are born bad, but things can be so easily manipulated and organized in such a way so as to present traps or temptations for people. It's just heartbreaking sometimes when thinking about it. I remember my 2nd landlady telling about a little girl whose parents wanted to kill her. One night they came into her room and she got scared and ran to her grandmother's arms. She spoke softly to the little girl and comforted her back to sleep. Then she killed the little girl. I was so shocked and beyond disbelief. And then I cried. Very very rarely do I ever retell a story and cry again. But this was one of them. That sense of betrayal and killing of an innocent person, especially a little girl who at that moment placed all her trust to the one person in this world for her everything turned against her. That must be the saddest thing that can ever happen in this world.
Later on the same day, I went to see a musical presented by CMCC Church with the majority of its cast by parishioners. Called "Everlasting Light II", it is a sequel to the first one played in 2005. Very nicely done. A lot of creativity and hard work was used in preparing for that 1.5 hr show. Interestingly, it was held at the Riverrock Theatre which is a theatre at the Riverrock Casino. In order to enter the theatre, you had to first go past all those slots and tables. As I made my way to the theatre, and especially after the show and I was heading to the entrance, it felt like a long time as I walked by past the tables looking at the dealers and gamblers. That $20 ticket was worth every penny. These people missed out. Maybe they were too late in getting the tickets because of a sell-out! Haha.
PART II:
This is where the meaning of the title comes in. A buddy whom I met in September 1991 and another buddy whom I met in October 1994 both told me before that I have changed. I was no longer the James that they used to know. I must agree. In the past, I was more relaxed, carefree, stupid, clueless, innocent and not so evil. Now I am still all those things except without the "not". But I ask myself. Did I want to do bad things? Or did I just happen to do bad things? I've always been curious about things around me. I wanted to explore and to experience. 1) It allowed me to reach out into the world around me and allow me to touch it and embrace it. It gave me a true sense of life - that I was alive. 2) It gave me a sense of security because then I had clue about what goes on. I often feel that if I didn't understand this world enough, I would not be ready to face it with my beloved companion. I felt that I needed the security before I can walk the rest of the road with her.
But in my inquiries and experiences in the world, my curiosity and eagerness for experience and understanding has also caused me to learn and practice many things that should be a no-no. And because I felt that I did not gain these experiences earlier on, I was more uptight and tensed about things that sometimes it shows in my behavior. And those two buddies see it. My parents see it also. But I love them all and I don't ever want to hurt them. It's just that I have trouble letting go of myself and seeing through the frustration that I did not have an understanding of reality and of the world earlier, say 7 or 8 years ago. Time is no longer on my side and the thought of that simply makes me more anxious.
On top of that, in the past year, I actually noticed balding on the front top corners of the hairline. Even when I was a kid, I had already noticed that I only had thin hair in those areas. And now it really smacks me in the face that I am actually balding. Hmmm..... this means I will have to change my hairstyle into something significantly different than what I have had in the past 17 or so years.
Went to lunch with my Godfather and he shared some of his travelling experiences with me. Some of the things he told me about simply reminded me how creative people can be when it comes to doing bad things such as stealing. It just hurts me somehow somewhere deep inside. One of my biggest weaknesses growing up is that somewhere in the back of my mind (or perhaps even subconsciously??) I tend to think everybody is honest and can be trusted. Thus I tend to tell people almost anything. This can get me in trouble sometimes. I don't believe people are born bad, but things can be so easily manipulated and organized in such a way so as to present traps or temptations for people. It's just heartbreaking sometimes when thinking about it. I remember my 2nd landlady telling about a little girl whose parents wanted to kill her. One night they came into her room and she got scared and ran to her grandmother's arms. She spoke softly to the little girl and comforted her back to sleep. Then she killed the little girl. I was so shocked and beyond disbelief. And then I cried. Very very rarely do I ever retell a story and cry again. But this was one of them. That sense of betrayal and killing of an innocent person, especially a little girl who at that moment placed all her trust to the one person in this world for her everything turned against her. That must be the saddest thing that can ever happen in this world.
Later on the same day, I went to see a musical presented by CMCC Church with the majority of its cast by parishioners. Called "Everlasting Light II", it is a sequel to the first one played in 2005. Very nicely done. A lot of creativity and hard work was used in preparing for that 1.5 hr show. Interestingly, it was held at the Riverrock Theatre which is a theatre at the Riverrock Casino. In order to enter the theatre, you had to first go past all those slots and tables. As I made my way to the theatre, and especially after the show and I was heading to the entrance, it felt like a long time as I walked by past the tables looking at the dealers and gamblers. That $20 ticket was worth every penny. These people missed out. Maybe they were too late in getting the tickets because of a sell-out! Haha.
PART II:
This is where the meaning of the title comes in. A buddy whom I met in September 1991 and another buddy whom I met in October 1994 both told me before that I have changed. I was no longer the James that they used to know. I must agree. In the past, I was more relaxed, carefree, stupid, clueless, innocent and not so evil. Now I am still all those things except without the "not". But I ask myself. Did I want to do bad things? Or did I just happen to do bad things? I've always been curious about things around me. I wanted to explore and to experience. 1) It allowed me to reach out into the world around me and allow me to touch it and embrace it. It gave me a true sense of life - that I was alive. 2) It gave me a sense of security because then I had clue about what goes on. I often feel that if I didn't understand this world enough, I would not be ready to face it with my beloved companion. I felt that I needed the security before I can walk the rest of the road with her.
But in my inquiries and experiences in the world, my curiosity and eagerness for experience and understanding has also caused me to learn and practice many things that should be a no-no. And because I felt that I did not gain these experiences earlier on, I was more uptight and tensed about things that sometimes it shows in my behavior. And those two buddies see it. My parents see it also. But I love them all and I don't ever want to hurt them. It's just that I have trouble letting go of myself and seeing through the frustration that I did not have an understanding of reality and of the world earlier, say 7 or 8 years ago. Time is no longer on my side and the thought of that simply makes me more anxious.
On top of that, in the past year, I actually noticed balding on the front top corners of the hairline. Even when I was a kid, I had already noticed that I only had thin hair in those areas. And now it really smacks me in the face that I am actually balding. Hmmm..... this means I will have to change my hairstyle into something significantly different than what I have had in the past 17 or so years.
posted by Tongster at 5:54 PM
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