2016 A.D.

I can see things. I can see certain things in certain people. Some are really funny, some are really sad. With that being said, I should also state that I have a fairly good imagination as well. But still, I can see things. And sometimes the things that I can see can be quite dead on accurate. Now, one thing I should say is that I don't believe in FungShui or astrology or any of those see-the-future things. I don't think I really understand them anyway. But it does seem to me that there is a certain order in the universe that makes us able to come up with those various fields of astrology and Buddhism. After all, we naturally have a tendency to inquire. And what we inquire about is not necessarily physical, it could also have been borne from another level of understanding reality. From our observation and contemplation of things, we discover order in everything. Indeed, this order has allowed us to discover order itself and we can reason thus. My limited intelligence allows me to believe that the existence of this order cannot have been due to complete randomness. Fate, whatever the definition is, could not have been a result of randomness. But randomness might be because of fate if fate is a word that is used to explain how two or more objects of existence can share the same time and space. If that is what fate is, then it should follow that fate precedes time and space. But what about the concept of "will"? Can fate be used to explain a being that possesses a sense of accomplishment (ie: the will for something to happen)? If will precedes fate, then there must be a being who is beyond time and space since only a being can have will. Anyway, I'm not trying to write a treatise to prove anything here. I'm writing this simply out of the urge to express a part of me. And what it is is that I see things. And some of the things that I see are not cool.

Today's second reading as well as the homily was about Philipians 1:21. Some time during the latter half of the previous decade, I had a dream. I had a dream that I died and went to heaven. I saw heaven and it was beautiful. That being said, I guess I should also add that I've also seen hell. I cannot authenticate that what I saw was heaven or what I saw was hell. But I think it's good enough for me to be assured of what to expect should I enter either place. I know the meaning of Phil 1:21. I have also contemplated my life before death and my life after.

But I'm just not ready. There is simply so much I want to see and experience. So much I want to do and be. One might think that it should be easier for me to let go since I already know what to expect. But I don't want to let go. There's just too much. Recently I learned that a friend I met ten years ago in Victoria had passed away 2 months ago. He died of sarcoma cancer. My grandmother died 22 years ago of rectal cancer (she did #2's every three days). And my mom recently told me of a guy in her dance class who passed away from cancer. I have also had feelings that I would die of cancer - cancer to do with the blood or some organ in my torso. Like I said, I see things. I see my parents sob while I lie in the wooden box. I see this box containing a guy who isn't even forty yet being carried away by men some of whom I call "uncle" and some of who I refer to as my "buddy". In the bathroom, that face and young body I see in the mirror will not wrinkle and turn old. Instead it will rot under the clothes that cover it after the box has lowered three feet beneath the grass and has rested. Will I still be around 8 years from now? I don't want to go before my parents. It cannot be said that they have done their job as James Tong's parents and now they should let it all go and live the rest of their lives as they originally were - a couple without child. I don't want to go down grandma's path.

All this negativity collecting up could simply have resulted from recent worries mixed with phases that I'm sure we all go through. So why 8 years? I don't know - it's just an approximate figure. The year 2016 does seem kind of early as does dying in my 30's. It looked like it could happen. When I look at some of the people around me, I see some of them making it well into their senior years. Well, as for me, what about 2056?

Will my writing (and public posting) of this and sheer pondering of this bring about my death earlier than would be otherwise? Or can it please be a prayerful request that I be granted a long life to the One who precedes fate? After all, not everything I see is dead on accurate. My heart beats rapidly as I type this. But part of my personality is being curious to try, especially if I think there won't be a difference if a consequence cannot be immediately perceived. Trouble has been stirred up before because of decisions made to try something out of curiosity or sense of adventure. I can only understand, I can never really control. I can only turn to the One who can actually control. I could not see my 2000 Civic Si-G being around in my life as the next couple stages of life go by. There are some things that I see that would never happen. Maybe they happened in parallel universes but certainly not here. I don't, by the way, believe in parallel universes. And then there are some things that I can imagine and that I really hope can happen.

There can be a conclusive thought after all this spinning, and that is quite simply that I cannot let this "I can see things" affect me. The fact is, I cannot control time and space. I cannot control fate. I am better off simply to recognize that there is someone else who can and that I should simply rely on Him. At least, I can be more relaxed and have a peace of mind. So....

LET IT BE A PRAYER! LET IT BE A PRAYER!

Let it not speed up the shortening of distance between now and the end!

AGAIN, LET IT BE A PRAYER! LET IT BE A PRAYER!