Not Want

The time remaining for my Mom&Dad and I to be together is not long anymore. I just want it to be as happy as can be. Even though my parents are still healthy enough to go travel, I know they are not entirely relaxed because they still worry about me. In the past years I usually don't call home and tell them where I go or what time I will be back. Even when my Dad asks me what time, I refused to say. I just did not want to hear the kind of stuff they tell me. Everything they say affects me, some deep and some maybe not so deep. I feel that the things they say hinder me from doing things. Since I was a little kid, I knew that following all the advice and instructions my parents give me will not get me far in life. Not that I am so far right now but at least I have done some things that add a little bit of color to my life. Suppose I only studied hard and got a good job and was successful by the time I got to thirty years old. Then what? I didn't do anything fun when I was a teen. I didn't do anything fun when I was in my 20's. All I did was study and get a good job. I don't know how to ski. I never had a girlfriend. I don't know anything about sports or what restaurants are good. I've never traveled and I don't watch tv. How am I going to proceed in society like this? How many friends can I possibly get?? That kind of life is too robotic for me. A machine has buttons for you to press so that whatever you want me to do, all you have to do is press a button. But I'm not a machine. I have feelings, thoughts and wishes. Do they ever regard that? I cannot buy the "work hard now, save and then enjoy retirement life" ideal. What happens if I died in my 30's? I don't want to live that kind of life.... because I would have not actually lived. I rather earn less money but at least experienced life.

That said, let me not die so soon please!!

I wish I can just tell them things freely and just be able to communicate. But it's rather difficult when, from childhood to growing up, your expressions are suppressed and you are only expected to listen and do. The most basic form of expression for humans is either crying or laughing. But when I was a little kid and was not happy and cried, they would order me not to cry. That really affected me deeply. When I go to the washroom to wipe my face (because they told me to), I would look at myself in the mirror. I would think "why". In the washroom, at least I still have a mirror that kind of takes my mind off unhappy things for a bit while I gaze at myself. I would think "I'm not such an ugly looking guy. I got some looks". And this would ease my mind a bit. But when I get to my room, everything around me was simply meaningless and my mind just simply couldn't find entertainment in anything there. Especially at night when the lights are out, all I could think of is why can my wishes not be met?? I would ask myself, "I just have a very simple request. All I want is for them to listen to me and think about what I want to say." I'm not even asking for acceptance; I just want them to listen to me. But they never do. They think I am just being rebellious and say things to argue back to them. They think I am stiff-neck (and maybe I am) and my thoughts are not so good for me compared to the advice they give me. Growing up like this really affects me so it should be no surprise why the older I got the more unhappy my face looked. And the more pissed my expressions were.

If they understood psychology as they claim to, they should not need to scratch their heads wondering why I'm like this. Some people don't get so emotionally attached to things so even if they also grew up like that, they can still move on fine. But I'm not. Call me weak if you want but that's me. Quite often I struggle to get up and when I feel like collapsing under the weight of their discouragement of my right to express (yes I really think it is a basic right), that is when I just want to cry. But I can't because nobody will listen and I would just look stupid. I know because I have seen it in the mirror. But I still cry, only on the inside. And so it bottles up and I become a sponge just soaking it all up deeper and deeper. I've always felt that parents and immediate family are the most important people to any individual. They should be the most trusted, out of the 6 billion people on the planet. But ironically they become the ones who I can least talk to. This contradiction hits hard. I really just want them to listen attentively. I want to be able to talk without constantly having to battle with them to stay focused on the current topic and not be distracted with other things they throw in on me. Remember, I am sensitive to all the things they say. I am quite a straight and simple guy so it is easy for me to believe or take literally what people say to me. Especially if it's from my parents, because I grew up listening to their strictness. When your right to express is suppressed by the very people who should support you the most on such basic and necessary things (not just soup and clothes because, remember, I am still human), you will lose confidence in doing anything whether it's fun activities, schooling or socializing. My confidence is largely defined by this, not simply progressing through school and career and then build up confidence that way. Telling me that I'm not strong and that people whose last name is "Tong" are strong people certainly doesn't help.

And of course things can only get worse when I'm trapped in this kind of circle. Actually it could be a spiral, but I think it is precisely because I am stiff-neck that I refuse to give up on my ideals and dreams. Some people gave up or others perhaps are not so stable and end up doing bad things. I'm saying this not to boast or anything but I just want to say that I simply refuse to give up. Sometimes it just feels so hard that as the bottling continues, a part of me just overcomes and snaps causing me to not care about myself anymore and just do something physically harmful. And yet, because my parents are getting older and I just want my Mom's blood pressure to not go up and my Dad's mean looking expression to lighten up (because, growing up seeing that, it affects me), I must control myself. And of course I also want to save my own precious brain cells too. Quite often what I would do is entertain myself by doing some funny movements and sometimes imagine my Mom doing those movements. Doing funny actions has been a way to express myself for a very long time. Not only does it allow me to imagine things but it has also served to help lighten up myself and try to brighten things up when I don't feel so up or even when things are neither up nor down. In the past several years (probably ten or so years), I found that whistling a song that I imagine would make people wonder have also helped. By the way, this sort of things often make people think I am doing it to attract attention. But I am actually doing it as an aid to imagination which provides me some comfort.