line of defence

There was a 3-table Chan-gang (just came up with that name) family lunch today in Richmond courtesy of Aunt Marie. Last night, there was a family dinner at Uncle Tim's house with the Chan gang as well and Aunt Irene's youngest sister & co also. Last year was also the same thing at Uncle Tim's house. Last year, conversation started up on my living out in Richmond and stuff and because concerns arose over certain issues, everybody's attention centred on me. Not very comfortable. People (at least the older adults) may be genuinely trying to help, but if I see smirks and laughs, it gives me a feeling that I'm not being accepted. Are people really that nosy? Do they really have nothing else better to be entertained with? Or are their laughs simply another way of praising themselves for being smart enough to avoid the stuff which I happened to not? Yes I'm a quiet guy. And yet I'm not very bright or street-smart. And if people are going to laugh at me, I still don't want their help and advice. I rather figure things out on my own; at least it will give me confidence.

I'm a really simple guy. Deep inside me, I have always tended (I won't say "prefer") to believe that everybody in this world are trustworthy. By certain principles, I could use the word "prefer" (eg: if sheep can lie down alongside of lions). But this world calls for putting up lines of defence. And that's what sucks. Why do we have to do this? Why do we have to constantly think that way towards everybody we run into? It's bad enough to be doing such to people outside of the family & friends circles, but why do I feel like I need to do that with the family circle? I don't mean people within are going to cheat on me or do something harmful to me, but then using my foul-ups as topic of discussion and laughing at me like I'm a fool really pisses me off. I don't expect anybody in those circles to be doing that to me. But then again, I was adopted so maybe I was never fully accepted in the circle in the first place. Thus I should just f*cking (please excuse my language) be alone and by myself. I'm more comfortable placing myself at a distance. At least, I won't feel the jab & stab than if I was to be too close. It hurts everytime I don't put up any line of defence I have and then I get hit. I would blame myself for not being vigilant enough. I would also be unhappy that I'm getting this sh*t (please excuse me again) shot at me. Did I deserve it? People all around the world feel sh*t (I'm not going to ask to be excused a 3rd time) being shot at them and they probably all think the same thing in the back of their minds: "This should not be happening to me. But why is it happening to me?" I know there are some truly genuine people in my life and I could never have gone this far without them, but I don't want them to think that my writing this stuff here means that they did not do a good job of taking care of me. They do what they can and I really appreciate it. I may have different takes on certain things from time to time, but I still really appreciate what they have done. At least I have tried to do so, recognizing that it's better than nothing and definitely better than something bad because there are people in this world who get both. As for me, oh well, I guess I can't expect too much from everybody. Yeh, that's it - just lower expectations so that u won't get hurt. If u don't expect things from people and you keep a distance, then it won't hurt as much when they try to huck something at u.

Makes sense. And it isn't sinful. Because you didn't do anything bad. And you can still pray for them, which is something good. You can also take the opportunity to pray for yourself. Just don't have any expectations from people. Is that Christianly acceptable?