Could Have

JAN. 09, 2009 SAT.

This morning I woke up and was thinking about what I could've and should've done regarding career and education during the years of university and after. I know I have said this before two or three times in my past blogs but this time there's a slightly different twist. The thing is, during my university years the desire that I had for seeking answers about Christianity was so intense that I think if I were able to choose a point in time to go back to, I may have just ignored the university years and just go straight to August 1999 after I finished my last term. So in other words, I would not go back to 1st or 2nd year where I could start taking just 3 courses a term and work part-time at the same time. Obviously, nobody is going to go back in time but this is just for pondering only. What I want to say is that the desire for answers were so great that I would rather have started basic work experience after I got a degree instead of before. As mentioned before in an older blogpost, I think it was part of my spiritual journey to establish this foundation of knowledge and that what remains ahead are the trials against my own spirituality and how strong or committed I would be with my religious faith when tested.

 

Now on a different note, I was asking Mr. Law (the man who taught me wingchun) this morning what happens if an introverted person loses motivation. He said motivation comes from doing more things. Later when a lady called Margaret came, I asked her about motivation seminars because she used to be part of management at Telus before retirement. She said nobody can insert a needle into you to make you become motivated. She suggested Toastmasters. She said university is where you learn how to learn. She also said you learn by doing not just observing. Toastmasters is not just learning how to talk but also gets you to be active and go do research on things. It gives you something to do and in the process can help with your motivation. You get to learn many interesting things because the members have different careers.

Lastly, in the evening I explained to my Mom that I need to be given more space because otherwise all the nagging she gives me will only slow me down and even block me from doing what I need to do. She interpreted that as being blaming on her for my failures. All I'm asking is that I am given more space for me to do my own things so that I can do things better. If that is blaming, then maybe I am.

Frankly, so what?.........You want what's good for me. But so do I.

 

Lastly, towards bedtime I had a discussion with siuwanlg about whether I am ready for a relationship. We talked about what is a committed relationship and about me doing inappropriate things that evening (Jan. 06 Wed) and regaining her trust. I told her I was somewhat lost. I felt lost for a long time because while I think there is potential for a long-term relationship with her and I should therefore take the opportunity, I also feel pulled into a life of just living for the day and just doing my own thing. However, Mr. Law told me earlier this morning that right now I am still young and can still handle it, I must start to have planning and be motivated to do things for the future. The day will come when my parents will actually need to depend on me so I must do something about it now. Maybe I don't want to grow up. Maybe I don't want to deal with these kinds of responsibilities. I don't mind working because then I get paid and I can do whatever I want with the money. But then, to think again, how much longer can I be doing things this way? How much longer can I wish to live my life this way? I know the principles; I know I need to be mature and start serious planning. I told Mr. Law last week that my plans were too vague. Just get a degree and then get a job. I also told siuwanlg that my plans were not detailed enough. In fact, I didn't even know whether my plans were actionable or practical because I haven't done the research needed in order to get the necessary information to make a good judgement.

Lastly, Mr. Law told me that since I chose accounting I need to figure out a way to make good use of it so that I don't waste all that time I put into it. After the series of failures in my accounting jobs, I realize that lower-level accounting requires ability to juggle numbers in your head as well as do mundane process work such as working with reports, stamping things, separating, filing, etc. I've tried my hardest but was still slow compared to most people who do the same stuff. In some cases, I may be up to speed but I took longer to get to that speed. This may also have been of concern. Perhpas a couple of weeks ago, I told siuwanlg over the phone that higher-level accounting probably requires more higher-level thinking processes like strategy and management as opposed to detailed clerical work. I said that I don't know whether I am capable of management because I've never studied or done it before but I know that in the long run, I cannot be doing clerical process work and accounting number juggling and manipulating in my head because my head is simply not sharp enough for that. Maybe I'm better doing other things. I said that the retail environment may be more suitable as I'm not cinfined to one small space just doing process work with reports and stuff. I also talked to my Mom tonight (just before the "blaming" part) that playing piano as an exercise to improve hand agility is different than exercising the whole arm for agility. I couldn't think of an example but basically what I was referring to was exercise to improve coordination between brain and body (particularly upper-body). Just sitting there, exercising the brain and sorting through files and reports was clearly not my strength. Maybe standing, exercising my brain and sorting large objects was better for me. I also mentioned this to siuwanlg on Jan.05 in the car. I had an interview with Staples (Broadway & Hemlock) earlier today where I said that I'm always on my feet and there is front-end work as well as back-end work.