putting it in words

Yesterday I started realizing something. Or perhaps I should say that the thoughts have found a way to express in words.

My parents say that I don't appreciate what they done for me. Mom always says there are so many people who don't have loving parents and who don't have education and food. Dad thinks I'm blaming them and does not like my complaints. But actually I'm not complaining about going to school or not having loving parents. Those kids who have to walk miles in order to get to school and attend classes in shabby classrooms are in policial-economic situations where they don't have much freedom for choice and where they can only obtain basic education. They may not even have vision for higher learning, or if they do, must go through a process that people in the political-economic environment I am in do not usually have to go through. I'm not being unthankful for all the parental love and access to clean air and modern city living. What I am pissed off about is that I have been granted too little personal space to grow and express. I am already in an environment where basic needs are met but it does not mean I cannot have concerns about needs that are beyond that. People who live in poor conditions may have ideas that are quite different than mine about their lives and what they can do with it. You cannot compare the two and just say that I should be happy and not complain. The people who should be most supportive in this respect are the very people denying me of it! I tried so hard to get the message across but each time I am suppressed. That's what hurts the most. I blame myself too. Why? Is it because I didn't do enough? Or am I blaming myself just because I don't want to blame anyone else and just take it all on myself> Do I not have emotional needs? Is it not possible for me to own characteristics of introvertedness or fear of things? Would it be unreasonable for me to have these tendencies despite the effort my parents spent on me? Soup and tuition fees are great, but is it abnormal or unrealistic or unreasonable for me to have psychological issues and emotional concerns? Am I expected to simply just live with it and move along on that train track that my parents shoved me onto?

I just realized something else this morning when I woke up. People start having to learn about adult/job responsibility at age 15. And then when you get to age 30, the concepts are pretty much set in your head and you are basically on an independent road for the rest of your life where everything depends on the decisions you make and that nobody can take your hands and walk you through anything anymore. So if too much of this adultness and seriousness gets shoved onto you when it is not necessary (ie: I don't live in a 3rd world country, or in poor conditions), do you never think about the effect it may have on the child's psychology?

A few weeks ago, I heard on a chinese radio program some kind of professional counsellor or something talk about dealing with teens who stay at home playing on the computer and not go out. I'm sure my parents heard the guy talk but they chose not to stay and continue listening to what the guy had to say. What were they thinking? That it does not apply to me because I'm not a teen anymore? Or do they really think the problem can only lie on me and that parents have nothing to do with it as the guy suggested? After hearing the whole talk, my eyes actually wet a little. I thought I had already passed the tears and that only anger remains. Later during the week, I met up for wings with one of my buddies and his uncle. I was expressing concerns about career and parents. The Uncle told me that ultimately I have to make decisions for my own life and not for anybody else including parents. He was not the first person to tell me that. An ex-coworker told me as I vented to him on MSN. A friend's husband has told me when we met up for lunch.

Another thought I had today was that I couldn't tell my parents all these things because they are simply not prepared to listen. They won't understand so telling them these things at this point will only make things worse.