Why Did I Do It??

Sunday December 21, 2003 16:15-00:15 was my last shift at Safeway. When I decided to enter my number before the customer gave me her card, she was watching the screen and said, "I haven't given you my Airmiles card yet, have I?". I just said no and she kind of looked puzzle. After the transaction, she looked at the receipt and went to the customer service desk. That was it for me. It was the end of my °ged phase. I was to be fully awake. I mean, I wasn't thinking much - just that it would be nice to treat myself to some Airmiles, seeing that it hasn't been used since I got it. I was just going to do it for a month. Each customer would be different. Some probably never even check how much they get. If it was only just 2 or 3 miles, then whatever - shouldn't be a big deal. And it was a 20-Airmile credit, then... well... it's a risk.

Fully awake. I suppose not in the absolute sense of the word, but... the choice of word is good enough. I was still only in the process of waking. And statistically it has been my tendency to "warm up" (as my mom would say) before moving on.

But was that the reason why I did what I did? I am supposing it may also have been a rebellious action coming from inside me. You see, I was already waking up to the world around me and I was learning how to deal with people. It may also have been an issue of how I was to organize things that are presently in my mind. I had finally finished my cert @ BCIT and I was looking forward to a full-time job aside from the part-time @ Safeway. I was to look forward to a good end of the year. But just as I was finished warming up I, for some reason, chose to commit an act of sin to offend my neighbor and covet someone else's goods. Was I exhausted from dealing with all these things (which really isn't much) that are presently happening in my life? I mean, sometimes I do make careless mistakes after what seemed to be intensive cramming sessions. Or was I demanding more good things? Maybe I'm not fit for these things? But how can that be? I'm sure God did not meant me to walk a poor, meaningless and fruitless path all my life. In fact, I feel He wants me to learn not to walk this sullen road and to learn to use gifts that He has given me so that I can make beautiful flowers spring up as I walk by. Or was I lashing out in retaliation that these things happened so late for me?

Whatever the reason is, I wish I could reassure my parents of how sincere I am. My mind may be inefficient, I may be careless and I may be weak (yes, sin is a result of weakness). But I really don't want to hurt them. I want so much to let them know that they have not wasted any money or time on me. I must make them feel that it was all worth it. And that I will forever thank them for saying yes to God and cooperating with Him in saving me. What I did at Safeway was a complete disappointment for them and I had immediately started praying in the car on the evening of December 23rd. I prayed that the offended would not take legal action because otherwise HSBC will be notified and I would lose my job (as well as future career opportunities for virtually everywhere where an ideal career can be established). I also prayed, as I do especially now, that God will give strength to my parents. Let them not falter. They are so strong and I am so weak. I totally admire their spirits. They have a love that I'm not sure I can ever give. It takes a lot of courage to adopt a complete stranger and offer their everything to that stranger for so many years.

I hope I have now gone to the next phase of improvement. And that my mind is more settled and efficient. Let me ever more firmly hold on to God's Hand as I walk down my road. Let me continue to learn how to relate with God in all things of life.