the wave

People often view me as somebody quiet. They would tell me to lighten up or liven up and relax. I think because I tend to spin my mind over things, so my face looks more serious. Plus insufficient sleep and a natural long-shaped face and pointed chin makes it look more unrelaxed. But I am still usually quite quiet. Only the random moment will I say something that might be funny. Or crazy, and not everybody can accept it. I mean not psycho-crazy or retarded-crazy, but just something really wild and it doesn't necessarily jive well with everybody. Some people get it and will be able to take it and laugh with me. Others will widen their eyes with question & exclamation marks popping out of their heads and be like "Whoah!... that's different from what I noramlly get from others".

I try to think what people say to get a conversation going. Often it is a light humour remark and then the other person catches on and adds another remark. And then another subject comes up and if the other person has something to say about that, then it gets going. Otherwise maybe another joke comes up as if finding something to say. It's like, you have to be able to catch onto a wave and ride with it. Either that or you have to initiate a wave that others are willing to ride on. And that's what I have difficulty with. Does it have to do with confidence? Lack of practice? Stiffness in my mind? All of the above?

CG finale

I thought I would not be writing anything anymore, but I would just like to write this down.

CG was doing a sharing in front of the whole Camp group, talking about her first years after immigrating. Those years were the ones when I had the experience that I'm not sure I will ever have again in my life. To repeat what I have said before, every time I saw her, I felt as if a vision of the future appeared in front of me. It gave me such an awesome and deep feeling. But this disappeared in 1995 and I never got that feeling ever again. That is totally fine with me; I just treat it as something beautiful that came into my life and I will always cherish the memories as such. But after that time, all I could think of was wanting to know who she is and wanting to get to know her. And find out why she caused such visions and feelings. Yet, to this day, I don't know how or why. But at the same time, it doesn't matter anymore. I want her to be happy. Because she has given me a kind of joy that I must say is extremely rare and I will always remember. During her
sharing, she thanked her husband for putting up with her snapping while she was being busy preparing for the Camp and saying "I love you". My eyes watered with joy. As they did on CG's wedding day. I am simply so happy she found the love of her life that I cannot express it enough!

In her sharing, she said that she went to SFX and not knowing anybody of her age. And then finally joining UBC's CATSO after her high school years. I remember always seeing her by herself at SFX. In particular, walking to the busstop outside on Hastings Street that day on Christmas Day 1994. And talking about her with my buddy. And this one time, attending the confirmation of a fellow CCD member "CY", she was there as well but I watched her make her way towards the main entrance door (where I was standing) leaving the place. And seeing her at Chinatown. And Metrotown. And cracking up with my buddy as she came up to receive Communion. While she shared, I couldn't help thinking back to those days and wondering how might things have been if I actually took heart to noticing that she always went to church alone and doing something about it by approaching her and exercising friendliness and hospitality. Anyway, it is both a lesson learned and a memory treasured.