the loud bang

Today on the skytrain from Metrotown to Lougheed Mall, I heard a very loud bang from somewhere. Don't know where and didn't ask anybody. I was too mentally occupied by it (and reading the 24hrs newspaper) that I didn't think of looking at the time or approximately where on the track it occured but it was probably around 3:30pm somewhere between Edmonds and 22nd St Station. Or it might actually be before Edmonds.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was this. When I heard the bang, the first thought that came to mind was whether it was a gunshot. And then naturally the immediate thought after was whether I was shot. Do I feel anything unusual? If I got shot in the head, was I going to faint soon? This was from a TVB series I saw probably about ten years ago about some man (played by "Gurng Dai Wai") who got shot in the car and didn't know until he noticed blood coming down his forehead after getting out of the car and then fainted and was in coma for the next however long. He was paralyzed completely and needed help from his wife constantly including toilet and feeding. He eventually passed away. That's all I remember from that series. Anyway after a few moments I went back to reading the paper but occasionally looked up thinking what that bang was.
It just reminded me of two thoughts I had before: 1) we can die so easily..and 2) the end of my life could arrive all of a sudden without any warning. I had thought #2 back in 2000 when my Mom's Volvo got smacked. It came so suddenly and unexpectedly. My seatbelt strap on my chest held me back as my body lurched forward and it felt like somebody took a board and smacked it flat on my chest. I believe that night (or maybe the next night) I couldn't really sleep and chatted with my cousin Kitty (or "May" since she changed her name maybe ten years ago) because it just felt like I could be dead any moment. After the Boxing Day Tsunami hit, I was chatting with Mom about how easy people could die even if they knew how to swim because all it takes is the water pushing you to a pole or you not being able to take just a big gulp of air if the water floods on you so suddenly and that would be it for you. So easy. On July 29, I fell asleep behind the wheel and was awaken by the sound of a smack when my car rear-ended somebody. Again, it felt like everything could all end just like that without warning and at any time. Today's loud bang gave me similar thoughts. I could be in the wrong place at the wrong time so to speak. I just started typing all this out after I felt uncomfortable and decided to say a rosary after my parents have gone to bed and it was approaching midnight. Who knows, and I think it sucks and I certainly don't want it to happen, but my death really could be coming at a very unexpected time and at a time when I still have so much more to do and live. It might all just end suddenly. I'm tempted to question God doing this and I would find it hard to accept, but yeh.
And also, you occasionally hear stories on the news about this young person or that young person getting killed outside a bar or club because they were trying to break up a fight or they just happened to be innocent bystanders who got caught in a hail of bullets during a gang fight. Man this sucks.

three pisses

STIMULATION #1/3:Dad created a blaming tone when he said they had to pay a bigger amount because I was no longer working at Century 21. He said "leen lui" which means "causing a bad thing to happen to" and is usually used for major situations. That's one of the things about Dad that pisses me off. He likes to (or has a tendency to anyway) exaggerate or twist things to bring up a more emotional or alarming situation than it really is, and seemingly without regard for other people's feelings in the process. I had to pay $45 plus tax for a Costco membership and simply provided them a second card to use because it was free. Now the membership or the card is no longer valid and they would have to pay $55 or something (ie: no discount). Well, first of all, nobody said they must have a Costco membership. Second, even if I quit and not fired, the membership would have been over either way. Why the f*ck does he have to put words the way he does and make me feel all bad about it? It isn't as if I wanted to get fired.

STIMULATION #2/3:The conversation quickly goes to my Mom saying that I did not treasure (cantonese = jun sik) my job when I had it. That just build up on my nerves from Stimulation #1. Just because I got let go doesn't mean I did not "jun sik" my job. And if I "jun sik" my job, that doesn't guarantee that I will be able to keep my job. Am I not making sense in any of this?? Am I being illogical here?

STIMULATION #3/3:And then next was Mom repeating what she had suggested before and I still find to be quite bullsh*t a concept that is beyond my comprehension. She said that I should not have requested for time off during the time that I was explicitly told not to take time off because that could be a reason why I was let go. How much more bull could anything else be?? You see, at C21, we are not allowed to take December and January off. In an email (ie: documented correspondence) with the manager "CS" back in September 2007, I had confirmed whether I was not allowed to take any time off including such as for exam purposes and I was told those were exceptions. It was not simply verbal, it was in letter. So is it realistic that a request for day off for exam purpose would actually contribute to the decision to let me go? What a f*cked up concept to try entertaining minds with. Actually, I originally asked for just half a day but CS told me to might as well take the whole day. Other people have done that. Mom says they have been there longer. Whatever. That's just f*cked up. How does sh*t like this come from my parents? Is it really from lack of education and ignorance of the way Canadian workplaces function in the 21st century (as opposed to Hong Kong workplaces in the 60's). Or am I the one who's f*cked up?
Excuse the language by the way. Mom has an annoying tendency of creating preconceptions about things and then they just stick to her mind like hyper-crazy glue. Even after she has been corrected, she still operates by them. Either that's the way her mind cells were oriented or she still doesn't understand the logic behind the correction.

Anyway Mom & Dad know I am pissed about it so maybe they're leaving me alone and not want to bother with saying anymore to get me going again. But of course Mom, always feeling the need to say something, will mutter that I am having a tantrum even though they are "just telling me something". Well, if you really do understand me and know my psychology as you claim, you would be a lot more careful about the way you say things within audible distance.
And of course if you have your ways which you won't change and I have my thoughts that I won't budge, then we'll just have to continue this friction then. We'll just have to accept it as it is. I mean, I have already for the longest time suggest that they don't say anything (because things are probably better off overall that way). I mean, I am quite sensitive and while I try my best to get through it all without being a baby, not let it affect me that much, and create as positive an outcome as possible for all (that means including myself as well).... there are still certain things that should remain and as such need to be balanced with. After all, is it reasonable for me to scrap all my tendencies and completely transform into somebody else with none of the personalities or beliefs that define James Tong?

a switch

A couple days ago, I was looking at some pix that one of the people on my Facebook posted. This girl was mentioned in this page and her pix were at Half Dome. I looked up the place online and then went to browsing highway maps of California. So if I ever do my car trip to California, I could take the I-5 down, step over eastward to visit Yosemite and whatever else might be interesting in that area before continuing down. It turns out that San Diego is almost to the Mexican border. Would that be too far for me? I mean, after I turn back up I still have to go along the coast and touch on SF and stuff. Would one week be enough?? A fellow classmate of mine whom I met almost 3 years ago in my OPMT1102 (Business Math) at BCIT had moved back to China (I always forget the name of that city; it's in the northeast) earlier this year in March or something after her divorce with a s/w developer she married 8 years ago (now working in CA).... she came to Richmond in August for a few weeks. Too bad we never met up but I told her about my desire to do a car trip (a desire that I had for probably almost a year now) and she told me that if she came back then she would go with me. Anyway, I would go whether anybody else came along or not. I simply just wanted to site-see, take pictures, drive, enjoy the weather, and check out various cities in CA especially SanFran.
So back to the girl I mentioned in the beginning. Her cute looks don't seem to be there anymore. She had sunglasses so I couldn't see her eyes but her cheeks were more buldged and rough. I sound really bad saying this but not finding her cute face anymore I suddenly lost all interest. Of course, I never knew her in the first place and she's in CA anyway but still. And because I remember what I said before in the earlier writing (link above) about regrets and stuff, I should get my foot on the ground, be a nicer guy and realize that people's looks will change over time. Comparing with my Gr.12 pictures, 19-yr old pictures, and 24 yr-old pictures there doesn't really seem to be much difference. Unless of course I didn't get enough sleep and then my eyes might look smaller especially when I smile big. As for my hair? Heck, it was never stylish most of the time. I pray that I can find the one for me and that we will love each other and live together to an old age. I think I would want us to have our own family and our own home. Is that three distinct requests and are they together too big to ask for? Can I not have them? I would like to have them please. Thank you.

On another page, I would just like to say something regarding my parents. A while ago, it occurred to me that maybe my Mom had always wanted a daughter. But being the more passive one, she let my Dad win the deal and they got a son as a result. My Mom puts up a lot with my Dad I think. This one time, I was asking my Mom what are the usual reasons why people want to get married. I went over the guy's point of view but then when I began with the woman's, my Mom seemed silent. That's when I thought maybe I should ask someone else. Or maybe not even ask any woman? I had already thought that my Mom would be okay with answering anything as she is quite straightforward about things but her silence on this made me stopped immediately. Maybe there was a history that I don't know about. So, anyway, as I was saying... I think my Mom puts up a lot with my Dad. My Mom tends to get anxious about things and my Dad's booming sharp voice and "big man" attitude to my Mom is often non-supportive. It can piss me off sometimes that I would actually just tell him off right there and then. I mean, he treats her quite well often too but he also has his fits of selfishness where he only cares about himself, his own image or just whatever he wants to let off or be bossy. My Mom would be obedient despite rising blood pressure. Maybe that's a sacrifice that Mom has to make for getting what she needed (and what she needed is something that only Dad could give). I don't know. I just wish that he can be less selfish or at least be more wise about how to help my Mom alleviate her blood pressure, reduce her waist size or correct her postures. But I could never, and probably should never, be too direct and upfront to my Dad about him being selfish because, after all, he did one of the most non-selfish things a person can do by adopting. I mean, we've had our differences and they have had their dissatisfactions of me as I do of them.
But at least we're still united as a healthy and unbroken family (ie: father, mother, child). For a long time I wanted to make a video of me verbally letting out all my frustrations and stuff - basically everything I've already talked about on these writings in the past years. My mind has spinned to such point that lately I would even think about what might happen if dialogues happen such that I would end up grabbing a kitchen knife and hacking myself. Or in a situation like last weekend where I got silently pissed at my Dad and Aunt 5 (ie: didn't yell, just ignored them and stood outside the restaurant waiting for an available table), I would publicly empty my pockets and then proceed to removing all my articles before exiting the place. The concept would be to return everything to them because that is all I have available. But, oh wait, the PIN number for my bank cards would not be enough. Okay, so the public stripping won't do since I have to look normal in order to step into a bank and do a cash transfer/withdrawal.

But then what, I ended up thinking. Because my first thought was that if they had all the money I owed them then I would no longer owe them anything anymore since they seem to be so dissatisfied with me. I would return as much as I can and then all that remains would be my life. My own pitiful life that they can also take if they so choose. But does that really solve anything if I took just one more step back and looked at the bigger picture? I had an appointment with my family doctor today to have my ears washed out and Mom managed to sneak in a time as well to get her blood pressure report. Later we went to London Drugs and tried the blood pressure machine there. Dad goes with his attitude thing again, saying "if you had listened to me 3 years ago, then your blood pressure would've been totally okay now and you wouldn't have to take any more pills". Of course, he should know that it isn't possible for that to happen given Mom's other physical conditions and limits. But that's how Dad's like. He likes to say these kinds of things as if he doesn't care for the other person's own actual situation. And so I think I should find ways to deal with my issues and any disagreements with my parents' concept of exercising
parental care and what works best for me without upsetting them. And I do this especially for Mom. She already doesn't have a daughter and she already has to put up with my Dad's ego. And her health is at risk because of that. It is already not fair for her. I don't want to add to it. I will have to try to find a balance. I mean, I can't possibly try to completely deny myself and transform myself into somebody that I'm just not just to please my parents and do exactly what they expect me to do when they press a button. Can I?? I didn't come with buttons and switches.
Right?