This should follow from "confused.html" written 20 mths ago.
And so self-conscious. But rooted in a very low and extremely deep (almost profound) sense of self-esteem and self-confidence. So deep is this that it seems to have integrated into my entire nervous network. My postures, my structural framework, thought processes, facial expression, behavioral tendencies, all tell a history of my psychological development from conception to the present. I think something bad must have happened to my natural mother. Maybe I wasn't planned. Maybe she went through a tough time and her mental system was taking on a heavy toll while I was developing inside her. Maybe after I came out, she was not always there when a mother should be. Maybe my vocal system got screwed because I screamed and cried too much. Maybe she was the one who laid me down by the side of a backalley and walked away as I frantically screamed and waved my hand for her. The one person whom, by nature, I trust the most has turned her back away from me permanently. As a result, my already damaged psych suffers another blow. The soft chunk of pottery mud had become distorted and remains that way as it continues to spin on the potter's wheel. This may explain why I always tend to want to be in the center of attention, as reports and comments from the HK Social Services and my elementary school teachers here in Canada say all the time. It may explain why I look so robotic when I practice a martial art. And why I look tense in any given position even when I say I'm relaxed. And why I seem to not trust people. And why I don't have much confidence. And why I tend to spin my mind around and around over something (more of that in the 2nd last paragraph). And why I feel especially uncomfortable when I hear babies and kids cry. And why I can actually cry over the story of the 7-year old girl from China who woke up in the middle of the night to find her parents trying to kill her with a pillow. She ran to her grandmother who spoke softly to her and the little girl fell asleep as she snuggled into her grandmother's arms with trust. After the girl fell asleep, her grandmother killer her. This story of betrayal hit me so hard that I couldn't help crying at the dinner table after my landlady Mrs. Chow from Victoria told it to us. It surprised even myself when I found myself shedding tears as I shared the story to my mom quite a while after (like, a couple years even?). Usually I won't be crying a second time. It would also explain why I tend to tell people everything because I just wanted people to understand me and accept me. It would also explain why I tend to listen to people telling me what to do rather than make my own decisions. I lack confidence. Maybe somebody will watch what I do and if I make a mistake, they will think badly of me and treat me as such. At the same time I have a naive tendency to trust people and maybe that's because somewhere in the back of my head I hoped they would do it for me. I am not a lazy person - I just wanted the feeling of being loved and taken care of.
I added most of that 2nd paragraph (from "I think something" onwards) after but the rest of the writing is about my problem of low self-confidence. My mom knows that I am unhappy about something. I think it was just last week before we went on vacation when I told my mom that I know what is wrong and why I smile less and less as I grew up. But I also said that there are some things that would be inappropriate for me to tell them and she goes, "If you don't tell me then I can't help you".
But really. I can't tell them. I understand, as I have already pointed out in "when.html", that being a parent is not easy. Especially for them because they have to have a lot of faith and love to be able to adopt a complete stranger. They also have to bear any criticisms from friends & relatives. So not easy. But at the same time, I really feel that there could have been more effective ways of tending to my psychological development and not just physical development. Yes, reading bedtime stories, and driving me to piano, soccer, swimming, St. John's, Boy Scouts (all the stuff that many other kids go through here in Canada), selecting workshifts to ensure that at least one parent is always at home for me, getting Childcraft and Encyclopedia sets are all great and it was very difficult to keep up all this stuff for me. I don't want to sound so critical because I might do even worse if I was the parent but I do believe that there should have been more communication between us. I don't want their feelings hurt because from their point of view, they have done their best and by principle they are the best parents in the world. Yes I have made many sinful choices and any blame can only go to me. I also know that I have a very weak mind. But I cannot point my finger entirely at anybody; I can only propose a strategy of (parenting?) and say that it is more effective than the one my parents used for me. It can never be one-way communication. Even between man and machine it is two-way. The machine complains by making unusual noises or does things unexpectedly. How much more so is the need of communication between a human and another human?!
Now the roots have penetrated so widely and deeply and are firm. The shape of the pot is already determined and is hardening. Pulling out all the roots and reshaping the pot is still possible (because I am nevertheless human) but it will take lots of time and effort. Seeing that nobody can help me much, I'll have to do it myself. All I ask is that nobody gets in my way. Communication with my parents is still important, but I don't think it can be like what it should've been in the past. My stage of life is now different and the psychological stage is different as well. Yet at the same time, I am in many ways still like a baby.
Self-confidence and focus is what I need to work on. I have better confidence now because I have a regular full-time job in a relatively stable company. They offer internal training and employees often have priority when it comes to postings. Entry-level type of positions are available quite frequently. In other words, I have a chance to move forward and find myself a good career path to walk on. Girls? Forget it at the moment. Who wants to go out with a mail guy?
And this is one of the examples of my low self-esteem. I am looking down even on my own self. I don't have anybody to talk to or share passions with. I don't have a girlfriend. I missed many opportunities in the past. I blame on myself. I have to get up by myself and continue to walk by myself. Time is not on my side; a good age to marry at is getting closer and people about my age are already getting married which means there are less options for me. And at least five years have already gone since graduation before a simple entry-level position (with a rich career advancement path stemming from it) is in the palm of my hands. Further thought brings me to reviewing a lot of things that resulted in me being in the condition that I'm in today. I would realize that I have made careless mistakes and then I would blame myself even more. I would also recall how I always tried to talk to my parents and get them to listen to me (listening and accepting are two different things, btw). It almost never worked out. And when I was given the chance, my mind would for some reason just blank out and I could barely mutter anything. At the same time, I tend to think that my parents will not like me trying to explain something (they think I'm just arguing or rebelling) and interrupt me and go harsh on me and that draw up just goes over me and I lose focus and end up not being able to say anything. Another hit. I knew I tried. Yet the two people whom I should trust out of all the other people in the world did not seem to be interested in my ideas and thoughts. I was sincere but they seem to not appreciate it and dismiss it as BS. And because I had tried time and again and not succeed I feel even more useless. And then my parents have all these expectations of me and my dad always likes to put on his mean look as if the whole world owes him something. Like, relax buddy. I do try, you know. You wanna live shorter that's your business, but don't take it out on others. When I see that expression, I want to tell you to go to the kitchen and get out the butcher knife. You can then use it on me and no one will ever owe you anything anymore.
And then I recall that they loved me first (they adopted me) and by principle I owe them a lot. Yes you adopted me. But you don't control me. I don't owe you my life. I am not your slave. All I was asking for was a listening ear and not an interruptive mouth. I feel it is a very simple request and yet it is ignored time after time. Which leads to me feeling another strike against my trying to get back up and growing my confidence. Expectations are normal and understanding but the way these expectations are communicated is important too. Here I am trying to meet their demands, but at the same time I had very simple and reasonable requests that have never been granted. It's not about you listen to me before I will listen to you. It's about communicating and understanding things from each other. It's about sharing opinions. All the soup in the world don't substitute. Don't forget that I am a human being. I have emotions. I have a brain. Little kids may not know as much as adults but it doesn't mean they are not capable of generating ideas and analysing things. Little kids are also capable of feeling emotions in response to whatever is introduced to their system or to their own little world. It's just that kids are not as capable of expressing ideas or exercising logic in a more concrete and proper form. While they may not be able to describe it in words, various forms of the ideas already exist in their minds, even if at the subconscious level. Eventually these forms take up a more concrete shape and texture and the kid will be able to express it better.
The owner gives his car good quality gasoline for the engines and pays attention to detail as he services and maintains the car. If the car gets dirty, the owner takes the time to clean and wax. But no matter how much heart you put into the car, at the end of the day you still expect it to be transporting you around. In other words, it is still just a tool. It is still just a dead object to be manipulated around according to your wishes. When you pull the lever to drive, you have only one expectation and that is the car is set to go forward. You step on the pedal and expect the car to actually go. You step on the brake and have only one expectation and that is the car will slow down and stop. You press the AC button and only expect the air conditioner to turn on, nothing else. A programmer designs algorithms and writes specific instructions and expects the computer to do only what the instructions say. But I'm a human being. I don't have labelled buttons for you to press or handles to turn. I have to learn and develop. That means it takes time and effort. My processing is not based on the simple system of 1's and 0's. I also have emotions which may or may not get in the way of processing your instructions and programming your expectations. The soup is great; a car also needs quality oils and liquids to continue running smoothly. The piano & swimming lessons were great; a car will also do better when you add stuff to its existing mechanical structures. But I don't have a speech recognition system. If repeating verbal commands constantly or shouting at the mic doesn't work, then maybe you need to try something else to get the job done. Sometimes discrete commands are not enough. You gotta go deeper and use strategy. A soldier who will only go straight and fire a gun is almost guaranteed to lose every time. Sometimes he has to step back. Sometimes he has to step to the side. Sometimes he should not even move. Sometimes firing a gun isn't useful, maybe he has to use a rocketlauncher. Or maybe he has to be primitive in this round and just throw sticks & stones. Maybe he has to make his own weapons or other tools from whatever materials and objects that happen to be lying around. Maybe he will have to give up his shirt; he just might be able to get it back later. If not, then what's the loss? Only a shirt.
Yup, my confidence is low. Innately I need so much support and attention. But overprotection is not good either. Often when I'm about to say or do something, some kind of obstruction appears in my head and blocks channels of thought. I talked to Dr. Lai before and he asked me if it gets me into trouble. I mean, it doesn't really but I think it's bad enough that I would miss out on so many little opportunities that eventually accumulate to form a negative impression on people's minds about me. Sometimes I'm able to think of all sorts of interesting things if I was by myself, but as soon as I realize that I'm not alone in that place my mind just stops functioning. If the people are just retarded (in other words, not capable of judgement) then it seems to have little effect on me. I suppose that's why it doesn't make a difference whether I speak in front of just a couple of people or if I speak in front of a large crowd. As long as I'm confident and sure of what I am about to say, then it's all good to me. Or if my audience were just people that I could trust not to end up treating me unwell after they have made any judgements of me then it's also okay. With those obstructions in my head, I end up saying the wrongs things or stuttering or tripping over my tongue. Even more screwy is that because of my lack of confidence, I tend to rehearse with myself before the event or do a review after the event. My friend Alan got married last year and for some reason I just kept on reminding myself to go and say congradulations such that when I did approach him outside the church, I ended up saying "Thank You" instead!! And I said it quite loudly too. What an idiot! At first I didn't even realize what I had said and as I was shaking his hand I noticed that Alan's facial expression changed to something odd. And I sensed and saw a lady from the corner of my eye that she was looking at me strangely. And then I realized what I had said so loudly. What happened was that in my rehearsals, I tend to plan the chats and talking. So in this case, I planned to say "Congradulations" and then I would expect Alan to just say "Thank you". Sometimes my rehearsals lead me to end up saying sentence #3 first and a smart person will automatically know that I'm not a confident person. And sometimes I would end up saying a particular sentence from Plan B when I only needed to execute Plan A. Or my mind trips up at the very last second and I end up saying something that wasn't even mentioned in my rehearsals or was crossed out in my Plan of execution. So, you know, it's these kinds of little things that don't get me into "a lot of trouble" but they're still just as bad.
And yup, overprotection is not a good thing either. It makes me feel that I am incapable of doing things by myself. Yes, if you left me alone, I may make mistakes. And I may even repeat those mistakes when I try again. But eventually I will get it. What was the loss? You don't need to be so picky on the loss of resources. I'm not as smart as other people; maybe I don't learn as fast. I need to do things myself so that I can get confidence. If you do everything for me, less errors may have occurred. But then I haven't grown to be smarter and independent either. Even retarded persons are capable of feeling dignity. Even they are given the freedom to exercise judgement, make decisions and experient with the world around them. Baby animals follow their mothers around and watch as their mothers go hunt. And then the youngsters are allowed to acquire hands-on experience for themselves; the mother couldn't even imagine always doing everything for her youngsters.
Finished: 17:56 Sept07/2004
posted by Tongster at 12:30 PM
0 comments
