Oh crap....

Am I just screwing myself up here?? These days I'm just not with it; pondering the political murderous atrocities in recent decades, sex, job... my heart is feeling weird. Don't let it be that I would actually die while only in my 50's!! The more I feel concerns get into the roots of my system, the earlier I may die? The more I think that I will die early, the more likely it will actually become true? This cannot be acceptable...
I am already not a person with much will power... and my self-confidence is so low... my entire system is soaked right to the deepest core with low self-esteem... (in typing this, am I just reinforcing myself??)... if I suffer a serious injury or illness one day, would I fight viciously to battle for life? Or would I kind of fight, and then rest a bit, and then kind of get up to fight again a bit only to stop for a break again?? Would there actually arise a thought that I am so depressed at how my life was like or how I felt I was treated in my life that I just want to totally relax and step away from all this badness that I would actually end up letting go of life? Or maybe I end up relaxing too much when I only intended to take a break from battling the injury or illness? Or maybe my curious and adventurous risk-taking attitude kicks in and as my body is trying to heal, my mind wonders what would happen if I did this or that and then I actually do it and then I quickly realize that I should not have done what I just did because now I have just caused death to myself?

That is scary...

Maybe I should do more running uphill...

After checking my email on Thursday night and being met with a forward containing this url, I've been browsing and reading online stuff about that 1937 event. For about maybe 4 or so years now, I have felt really screwed whenever I think of a girl getting r__ed. And I'm not sure why. Is it a psychological clash between sexual desires I have inside and the pity I have when I imagine the pain suffered by the victim, especially when it is furthered by the confirmation of a pregnancy? Was I the result of such an assault? This comes head-on with a sexual desire I have inside. Is it the natural wanting to mate, am I lonely as a priest once suggested of me when I went to confession, or did I already have such love for my unknown wife that I desire to manifest this love in the act of procreation?
And now I read on this stuff. Such feelings of guilt. Not because I feel I caused their pain (I wasn't even born yet!) but because despite feeling so sorry for them, I still feel a sexual desire. And yet I know it is very dishonoring and disrespectful of their dignity! Lord help me.
And then, as is often when I spin my mind around an unhappy thing, I would entertain or recall other unhappy things. This one here led me to think about death. Maybe because those people, especially the children and those who had exciting aspirations, never got a chance to experience life more. And you know how I am always afraid of death.
And along with death, I also thought of my parents. I would think of myself getting into trouble somehow with the police and getting stunned or beaten down while my mom's blood pressure skyrockets as she watches helplessly while I call out to her as I am held by the cops. I would also dread the day when my mom will say to me, after my dad's funeral, that I will have to take care of her now that dad is no longer here. That will be so unbearable!