Suicidal Tendencies
DOn't make me feel like committing suicide. Another option is to run away but then where would I go? And I would still have to live with knowing that my parents would be depressed and wondering where I am. All their years of effort seem to have gone wasted. It would make them question themselves if they ever should have adopted me. They have already faced opposition and criticism from various people in their lives. Let them not feel down about their decision. At the same time, they may be struggling with why I am the way I am. Or maybe why things are the way they are? Like... why are they not rich, perhaps? Or am I just thinking this stuff up? Or why am I not a successful professional with earning good income and be smart?
So what if I wasn't?? Obviously there is some kind of frustration going on. Is it just dad getting old and more stubborn and picky in certain expectations? Surely I can't be getting worse, am I? I just got promoted at work. It's not an attractive job and I am still studying and not sure if I will be able to get that CMA one day, a long ways from now. SO why all this long face and criticism of me being "stupid" and "chuhn"?? Just this past Sunday (Father's Day - June 19), I was going to take pictures. I only managed to snap one shot when the battery finished. I didn't think about informing dad. Maybe somewhere deep in the back of my head I feared letting him know because he might cause me to feel guilty. So I just stood around idly. I guess he wanted to appear in as many shots as he could because he stood by the banner in the front. After all, not too many others had gold-colored shovel so he probably felt quite special about it and wanted to appear in the photos with his gold shovel. His eyebrows scowled and frustratingly gestured me to step forward more to take pictures. I only did one after which the battery ran out. And then later on, he must have realized that I've just been standing around not doing anything because he stormed up to me telling me to take pictures. I said, "There's no more battery, take what photos?". He called me stupid and walked away and took pictures himself. I tried to ignore what he said and continued standing around. Later on, he comes back and repeated calls me "chuhn" and to the extreme and how can anybody be such and walked away. He may have said more but that's all that registered into me. There were other people around. I think Angel and her mother were still somewhere behind me. Like, what's all this frustration about? It's only pictures! Did you have to step on me like that?? Later on in the evening when we viewed the pictures, I found that all seven of the pictures he took were essentially the same sort of thing - just the two Fathers plus the Archbishop. And I thought he would be taking spectacular shots or at least shots from various angles and stuff.
I blew up. I was pissed. He had already walked off which was probably a good thing because otherwise I may not have yelled the way I did. I said, "Yes I am chuhn! So what? If you are so unsatisfied with me being chuhn then just grab a shovel and hit me with it. Then there would be no more problems." Wow, I must have repeated that to myself so many times between then and now while I am typing this. I even thought later on that I could've said, "If you are so unsatisfied with having such a chuhn son then just grab a shovel and kill me! I would not mind!". I was beside myself with anger. I'm already such an introvert, I don't have much self-confidence and I tend to spin around the tip of the cow's horns. It was just not necessary for him to be stepping on me like this. Having others around is not even the point. The very act of treading down on what little self-confidence I had was just not acceptable. I think I can still stand it if others were to say the same thing to me, but it hurts when my parents do it. They are the ones who raised me. It was them who directly influenced my development. Also, family members who grew up with you and brought you up are supposed to be most trusted people in your life and that you should be able to rely on them for being most supportive. But I don't see that when I am being stepped on like that. All the soup that mom made me and all the tuition money that dad worked hard to earn were so easy to forget when something like this happens. Like I said in my "confused2.html", what I need the most is emotional and psychological development. I have a weak mind and am quite sensitive. As a kid, I had requested open dialogues and sharing which I thought would help them understand me and I could understand them but it was rejected time and again. This experience, I am sorry to say, tends to stick to my mind. This is an example of the type of memory that is not of the brain but of the heart. Those kinds of memories tend to stay around longer.
As is often the case when I get my self-confidence blown like this, I shed tears. But I tried to hold it back as best as I could because I was still at church and there was still socializing to do. Even James Li went! Probably the other time he has shown up at church this year was for the bazaar! Damn it, despite the fact that I'm turning 28 this year, I am still like a child in this respect. But I can't help it! I always believed that there are beter ways of raising a child such as myself. Even though I still thank them and love them, and I don't expect them to be able to do what I think they should've done back then since I am an adult now and some things just can't be done to try making up for things, all I ask is that they give me the space that I need. I will try to recover myself and I'm not sure what they could to help me. It seems mom has already soften up quite a bit. But maybe dad's just getting old. He seems more stubborn and extra picky than before in certain things. I just hope that he will not put on that scowl and be raising his finger sternly. Like, give me a break! Those kinds of actions make me feel as if I did something wrong and makes me feel guilty. But I don't believe things are the way they are now because of me. Sure I have made some bad choices, but the development of a person can never be entirely dependant on himself. As long as he was developed in a social setting, all factors which interact with and affect the subject share a responsibility.
I know that by typing all this out as well as having had repeated these thoughts to myself every time similar situations arise may further strengthen the beliefs and affix it to mind, I still must type all this out. At least the thoughts are not always bottled up inside and it is a medium for me to vent myself. I don't ever want to do something that would devastate my parents but sometimes I just feel so tempted! I remembered a few years ago I actually got so upset that I palmed myself on the face resulting in a nosebleed. My dad stormed in like mad. But he walked away when he saw the blood. Like, I don't do these things for the hell of it. Obviously there's a reason why. And I think they can figure it out. If the issues cannot settle or the problems not solved, this initial act of violence is almost sure to repeat itself or even get worse. This time, I had no shovel in my hand. But who knows what might happen the next time?
Lord, help me. I know it would be a grave sin if I killed myself. But if I didn't succeed in killing myself and ended up permanently disabled in some way, then it would be a torment to my parents because then all their hopes in me are gone and their dreams shattered because now they would have to take care of me instead of me take care of them. Yet at the same time, sometimes dad's scowls just make me feel it was all my fault and it was me who was the cause of all his problems that I am tempted to think that with me being dead would solve all problems for him and get rid of that scowl forever.
*shaking head* ... Sad, it's just sad.
FINISHED: 23:24 06/21/2005
posted by Tongster at 11:26 AM
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