putting it in words

Yesterday I started realizing something. Or perhaps I should say that the thoughts have found a way to express in words.

My parents say that I don't appreciate what they done for me. Mom always says there are so many people who don't have loving parents and who don't have education and food. Dad thinks I'm blaming them and does not like my complaints. But actually I'm not complaining about going to school or not having loving parents. Those kids who have to walk miles in order to get to school and attend classes in shabby classrooms are in policial-economic situations where they don't have much freedom for choice and where they can only obtain basic education. They may not even have vision for higher learning, or if they do, must go through a process that people in the political-economic environment I am in do not usually have to go through. I'm not being unthankful for all the parental love and access to clean air and modern city living. What I am pissed off about is that I have been granted too little personal space to grow and express. I am already in an environment where basic needs are met but it does not mean I cannot have concerns about needs that are beyond that. People who live in poor conditions may have ideas that are quite different than mine about their lives and what they can do with it. You cannot compare the two and just say that I should be happy and not complain. The people who should be most supportive in this respect are the very people denying me of it! I tried so hard to get the message across but each time I am suppressed. That's what hurts the most. I blame myself too. Why? Is it because I didn't do enough? Or am I blaming myself just because I don't want to blame anyone else and just take it all on myself> Do I not have emotional needs? Is it not possible for me to own characteristics of introvertedness or fear of things? Would it be unreasonable for me to have these tendencies despite the effort my parents spent on me? Soup and tuition fees are great, but is it abnormal or unrealistic or unreasonable for me to have psychological issues and emotional concerns? Am I expected to simply just live with it and move along on that train track that my parents shoved me onto?

I just realized something else this morning when I woke up. People start having to learn about adult/job responsibility at age 15. And then when you get to age 30, the concepts are pretty much set in your head and you are basically on an independent road for the rest of your life where everything depends on the decisions you make and that nobody can take your hands and walk you through anything anymore. So if too much of this adultness and seriousness gets shoved onto you when it is not necessary (ie: I don't live in a 3rd world country, or in poor conditions), do you never think about the effect it may have on the child's psychology?

A few weeks ago, I heard on a chinese radio program some kind of professional counsellor or something talk about dealing with teens who stay at home playing on the computer and not go out. I'm sure my parents heard the guy talk but they chose not to stay and continue listening to what the guy had to say. What were they thinking? That it does not apply to me because I'm not a teen anymore? Or do they really think the problem can only lie on me and that parents have nothing to do with it as the guy suggested? After hearing the whole talk, my eyes actually wet a little. I thought I had already passed the tears and that only anger remains. Later during the week, I met up for wings with one of my buddies and his uncle. I was expressing concerns about career and parents. The Uncle told me that ultimately I have to make decisions for my own life and not for anybody else including parents. He was not the first person to tell me that. An ex-coworker told me as I vented to him on MSN. A friend's husband has told me when we met up for lunch.

Another thought I had today was that I couldn't tell my parents all these things because they are simply not prepared to listen. They won't understand so telling them these things at this point will only make things worse.

Could Have

JAN. 09, 2009 SAT.

This morning I woke up and was thinking about what I could've and should've done regarding career and education during the years of university and after. I know I have said this before two or three times in my past blogs but this time there's a slightly different twist. The thing is, during my university years the desire that I had for seeking answers about Christianity was so intense that I think if I were able to choose a point in time to go back to, I may have just ignored the university years and just go straight to August 1999 after I finished my last term. So in other words, I would not go back to 1st or 2nd year where I could start taking just 3 courses a term and work part-time at the same time. Obviously, nobody is going to go back in time but this is just for pondering only. What I want to say is that the desire for answers were so great that I would rather have started basic work experience after I got a degree instead of before. As mentioned before in an older blogpost, I think it was part of my spiritual journey to establish this foundation of knowledge and that what remains ahead are the trials against my own spirituality and how strong or committed I would be with my religious faith when tested.

 

Now on a different note, I was asking Mr. Law (the man who taught me wingchun) this morning what happens if an introverted person loses motivation. He said motivation comes from doing more things. Later when a lady called Margaret came, I asked her about motivation seminars because she used to be part of management at Telus before retirement. She said nobody can insert a needle into you to make you become motivated. She suggested Toastmasters. She said university is where you learn how to learn. She also said you learn by doing not just observing. Toastmasters is not just learning how to talk but also gets you to be active and go do research on things. It gives you something to do and in the process can help with your motivation. You get to learn many interesting things because the members have different careers.

Lastly, in the evening I explained to my Mom that I need to be given more space because otherwise all the nagging she gives me will only slow me down and even block me from doing what I need to do. She interpreted that as being blaming on her for my failures. All I'm asking is that I am given more space for me to do my own things so that I can do things better. If that is blaming, then maybe I am.

Frankly, so what?.........You want what's good for me. But so do I.

 

Lastly, towards bedtime I had a discussion with siuwanlg about whether I am ready for a relationship. We talked about what is a committed relationship and about me doing inappropriate things that evening (Jan. 06 Wed) and regaining her trust. I told her I was somewhat lost. I felt lost for a long time because while I think there is potential for a long-term relationship with her and I should therefore take the opportunity, I also feel pulled into a life of just living for the day and just doing my own thing. However, Mr. Law told me earlier this morning that right now I am still young and can still handle it, I must start to have planning and be motivated to do things for the future. The day will come when my parents will actually need to depend on me so I must do something about it now. Maybe I don't want to grow up. Maybe I don't want to deal with these kinds of responsibilities. I don't mind working because then I get paid and I can do whatever I want with the money. But then, to think again, how much longer can I be doing things this way? How much longer can I wish to live my life this way? I know the principles; I know I need to be mature and start serious planning. I told Mr. Law last week that my plans were too vague. Just get a degree and then get a job. I also told siuwanlg that my plans were not detailed enough. In fact, I didn't even know whether my plans were actionable or practical because I haven't done the research needed in order to get the necessary information to make a good judgement.

Lastly, Mr. Law told me that since I chose accounting I need to figure out a way to make good use of it so that I don't waste all that time I put into it. After the series of failures in my accounting jobs, I realize that lower-level accounting requires ability to juggle numbers in your head as well as do mundane process work such as working with reports, stamping things, separating, filing, etc. I've tried my hardest but was still slow compared to most people who do the same stuff. In some cases, I may be up to speed but I took longer to get to that speed. This may also have been of concern. Perhpas a couple of weeks ago, I told siuwanlg over the phone that higher-level accounting probably requires more higher-level thinking processes like strategy and management as opposed to detailed clerical work. I said that I don't know whether I am capable of management because I've never studied or done it before but I know that in the long run, I cannot be doing clerical process work and accounting number juggling and manipulating in my head because my head is simply not sharp enough for that. Maybe I'm better doing other things. I said that the retail environment may be more suitable as I'm not cinfined to one small space just doing process work with reports and stuff. I also talked to my Mom tonight (just before the "blaming" part) that playing piano as an exercise to improve hand agility is different than exercising the whole arm for agility. I couldn't think of an example but basically what I was referring to was exercise to improve coordination between brain and body (particularly upper-body). Just sitting there, exercising the brain and sorting through files and reports was clearly not my strength. Maybe standing, exercising my brain and sorting large objects was better for me. I also mentioned this to siuwanlg on Jan.05 in the car. I had an interview with Staples (Broadway & Hemlock) earlier today where I said that I'm always on my feet and there is front-end work as well as back-end work.

Not Want

The time remaining for my Mom&Dad and I to be together is not long anymore. I just want it to be as happy as can be. Even though my parents are still healthy enough to go travel, I know they are not entirely relaxed because they still worry about me. In the past years I usually don't call home and tell them where I go or what time I will be back. Even when my Dad asks me what time, I refused to say. I just did not want to hear the kind of stuff they tell me. Everything they say affects me, some deep and some maybe not so deep. I feel that the things they say hinder me from doing things. Since I was a little kid, I knew that following all the advice and instructions my parents give me will not get me far in life. Not that I am so far right now but at least I have done some things that add a little bit of color to my life. Suppose I only studied hard and got a good job and was successful by the time I got to thirty years old. Then what? I didn't do anything fun when I was a teen. I didn't do anything fun when I was in my 20's. All I did was study and get a good job. I don't know how to ski. I never had a girlfriend. I don't know anything about sports or what restaurants are good. I've never traveled and I don't watch tv. How am I going to proceed in society like this? How many friends can I possibly get?? That kind of life is too robotic for me. A machine has buttons for you to press so that whatever you want me to do, all you have to do is press a button. But I'm not a machine. I have feelings, thoughts and wishes. Do they ever regard that? I cannot buy the "work hard now, save and then enjoy retirement life" ideal. What happens if I died in my 30's? I don't want to live that kind of life.... because I would have not actually lived. I rather earn less money but at least experienced life.

That said, let me not die so soon please!!

I wish I can just tell them things freely and just be able to communicate. But it's rather difficult when, from childhood to growing up, your expressions are suppressed and you are only expected to listen and do. The most basic form of expression for humans is either crying or laughing. But when I was a little kid and was not happy and cried, they would order me not to cry. That really affected me deeply. When I go to the washroom to wipe my face (because they told me to), I would look at myself in the mirror. I would think "why". In the washroom, at least I still have a mirror that kind of takes my mind off unhappy things for a bit while I gaze at myself. I would think "I'm not such an ugly looking guy. I got some looks". And this would ease my mind a bit. But when I get to my room, everything around me was simply meaningless and my mind just simply couldn't find entertainment in anything there. Especially at night when the lights are out, all I could think of is why can my wishes not be met?? I would ask myself, "I just have a very simple request. All I want is for them to listen to me and think about what I want to say." I'm not even asking for acceptance; I just want them to listen to me. But they never do. They think I am just being rebellious and say things to argue back to them. They think I am stiff-neck (and maybe I am) and my thoughts are not so good for me compared to the advice they give me. Growing up like this really affects me so it should be no surprise why the older I got the more unhappy my face looked. And the more pissed my expressions were.

If they understood psychology as they claim to, they should not need to scratch their heads wondering why I'm like this. Some people don't get so emotionally attached to things so even if they also grew up like that, they can still move on fine. But I'm not. Call me weak if you want but that's me. Quite often I struggle to get up and when I feel like collapsing under the weight of their discouragement of my right to express (yes I really think it is a basic right), that is when I just want to cry. But I can't because nobody will listen and I would just look stupid. I know because I have seen it in the mirror. But I still cry, only on the inside. And so it bottles up and I become a sponge just soaking it all up deeper and deeper. I've always felt that parents and immediate family are the most important people to any individual. They should be the most trusted, out of the 6 billion people on the planet. But ironically they become the ones who I can least talk to. This contradiction hits hard. I really just want them to listen attentively. I want to be able to talk without constantly having to battle with them to stay focused on the current topic and not be distracted with other things they throw in on me. Remember, I am sensitive to all the things they say. I am quite a straight and simple guy so it is easy for me to believe or take literally what people say to me. Especially if it's from my parents, because I grew up listening to their strictness. When your right to express is suppressed by the very people who should support you the most on such basic and necessary things (not just soup and clothes because, remember, I am still human), you will lose confidence in doing anything whether it's fun activities, schooling or socializing. My confidence is largely defined by this, not simply progressing through school and career and then build up confidence that way. Telling me that I'm not strong and that people whose last name is "Tong" are strong people certainly doesn't help.

And of course things can only get worse when I'm trapped in this kind of circle. Actually it could be a spiral, but I think it is precisely because I am stiff-neck that I refuse to give up on my ideals and dreams. Some people gave up or others perhaps are not so stable and end up doing bad things. I'm saying this not to boast or anything but I just want to say that I simply refuse to give up. Sometimes it just feels so hard that as the bottling continues, a part of me just overcomes and snaps causing me to not care about myself anymore and just do something physically harmful. And yet, because my parents are getting older and I just want my Mom's blood pressure to not go up and my Dad's mean looking expression to lighten up (because, growing up seeing that, it affects me), I must control myself. And of course I also want to save my own precious brain cells too. Quite often what I would do is entertain myself by doing some funny movements and sometimes imagine my Mom doing those movements. Doing funny actions has been a way to express myself for a very long time. Not only does it allow me to imagine things but it has also served to help lighten up myself and try to brighten things up when I don't feel so up or even when things are neither up nor down. In the past several years (probably ten or so years), I found that whistling a song that I imagine would make people wonder have also helped. By the way, this sort of things often make people think I am doing it to attract attention. But I am actually doing it as an aid to imagination which provides me some comfort.

the loud bang

Today on the skytrain from Metrotown to Lougheed Mall, I heard a very loud bang from somewhere. Don't know where and didn't ask anybody. I was too mentally occupied by it (and reading the 24hrs newspaper) that I didn't think of looking at the time or approximately where on the track it occured but it was probably around 3:30pm somewhere between Edmonds and 22nd St Station. Or it might actually be before Edmonds.
Anyway, what I wanted to say was this. When I heard the bang, the first thought that came to mind was whether it was a gunshot. And then naturally the immediate thought after was whether I was shot. Do I feel anything unusual? If I got shot in the head, was I going to faint soon? This was from a TVB series I saw probably about ten years ago about some man (played by "Gurng Dai Wai") who got shot in the car and didn't know until he noticed blood coming down his forehead after getting out of the car and then fainted and was in coma for the next however long. He was paralyzed completely and needed help from his wife constantly including toilet and feeding. He eventually passed away. That's all I remember from that series. Anyway after a few moments I went back to reading the paper but occasionally looked up thinking what that bang was.
It just reminded me of two thoughts I had before: 1) we can die so easily..and 2) the end of my life could arrive all of a sudden without any warning. I had thought #2 back in 2000 when my Mom's Volvo got smacked. It came so suddenly and unexpectedly. My seatbelt strap on my chest held me back as my body lurched forward and it felt like somebody took a board and smacked it flat on my chest. I believe that night (or maybe the next night) I couldn't really sleep and chatted with my cousin Kitty (or "May" since she changed her name maybe ten years ago) because it just felt like I could be dead any moment. After the Boxing Day Tsunami hit, I was chatting with Mom about how easy people could die even if they knew how to swim because all it takes is the water pushing you to a pole or you not being able to take just a big gulp of air if the water floods on you so suddenly and that would be it for you. So easy. On July 29, I fell asleep behind the wheel and was awaken by the sound of a smack when my car rear-ended somebody. Again, it felt like everything could all end just like that without warning and at any time. Today's loud bang gave me similar thoughts. I could be in the wrong place at the wrong time so to speak. I just started typing all this out after I felt uncomfortable and decided to say a rosary after my parents have gone to bed and it was approaching midnight. Who knows, and I think it sucks and I certainly don't want it to happen, but my death really could be coming at a very unexpected time and at a time when I still have so much more to do and live. It might all just end suddenly. I'm tempted to question God doing this and I would find it hard to accept, but yeh.
And also, you occasionally hear stories on the news about this young person or that young person getting killed outside a bar or club because they were trying to break up a fight or they just happened to be innocent bystanders who got caught in a hail of bullets during a gang fight. Man this sucks.

three pisses

STIMULATION #1/3:Dad created a blaming tone when he said they had to pay a bigger amount because I was no longer working at Century 21. He said "leen lui" which means "causing a bad thing to happen to" and is usually used for major situations. That's one of the things about Dad that pisses me off. He likes to (or has a tendency to anyway) exaggerate or twist things to bring up a more emotional or alarming situation than it really is, and seemingly without regard for other people's feelings in the process. I had to pay $45 plus tax for a Costco membership and simply provided them a second card to use because it was free. Now the membership or the card is no longer valid and they would have to pay $55 or something (ie: no discount). Well, first of all, nobody said they must have a Costco membership. Second, even if I quit and not fired, the membership would have been over either way. Why the f*ck does he have to put words the way he does and make me feel all bad about it? It isn't as if I wanted to get fired.

STIMULATION #2/3:The conversation quickly goes to my Mom saying that I did not treasure (cantonese = jun sik) my job when I had it. That just build up on my nerves from Stimulation #1. Just because I got let go doesn't mean I did not "jun sik" my job. And if I "jun sik" my job, that doesn't guarantee that I will be able to keep my job. Am I not making sense in any of this?? Am I being illogical here?

STIMULATION #3/3:And then next was Mom repeating what she had suggested before and I still find to be quite bullsh*t a concept that is beyond my comprehension. She said that I should not have requested for time off during the time that I was explicitly told not to take time off because that could be a reason why I was let go. How much more bull could anything else be?? You see, at C21, we are not allowed to take December and January off. In an email (ie: documented correspondence) with the manager "CS" back in September 2007, I had confirmed whether I was not allowed to take any time off including such as for exam purposes and I was told those were exceptions. It was not simply verbal, it was in letter. So is it realistic that a request for day off for exam purpose would actually contribute to the decision to let me go? What a f*cked up concept to try entertaining minds with. Actually, I originally asked for just half a day but CS told me to might as well take the whole day. Other people have done that. Mom says they have been there longer. Whatever. That's just f*cked up. How does sh*t like this come from my parents? Is it really from lack of education and ignorance of the way Canadian workplaces function in the 21st century (as opposed to Hong Kong workplaces in the 60's). Or am I the one who's f*cked up?
Excuse the language by the way. Mom has an annoying tendency of creating preconceptions about things and then they just stick to her mind like hyper-crazy glue. Even after she has been corrected, she still operates by them. Either that's the way her mind cells were oriented or she still doesn't understand the logic behind the correction.

Anyway Mom & Dad know I am pissed about it so maybe they're leaving me alone and not want to bother with saying anymore to get me going again. But of course Mom, always feeling the need to say something, will mutter that I am having a tantrum even though they are "just telling me something". Well, if you really do understand me and know my psychology as you claim, you would be a lot more careful about the way you say things within audible distance.
And of course if you have your ways which you won't change and I have my thoughts that I won't budge, then we'll just have to continue this friction then. We'll just have to accept it as it is. I mean, I have already for the longest time suggest that they don't say anything (because things are probably better off overall that way). I mean, I am quite sensitive and while I try my best to get through it all without being a baby, not let it affect me that much, and create as positive an outcome as possible for all (that means including myself as well).... there are still certain things that should remain and as such need to be balanced with. After all, is it reasonable for me to scrap all my tendencies and completely transform into somebody else with none of the personalities or beliefs that define James Tong?

a switch

A couple days ago, I was looking at some pix that one of the people on my Facebook posted. This girl was mentioned in this page and her pix were at Half Dome. I looked up the place online and then went to browsing highway maps of California. So if I ever do my car trip to California, I could take the I-5 down, step over eastward to visit Yosemite and whatever else might be interesting in that area before continuing down. It turns out that San Diego is almost to the Mexican border. Would that be too far for me? I mean, after I turn back up I still have to go along the coast and touch on SF and stuff. Would one week be enough?? A fellow classmate of mine whom I met almost 3 years ago in my OPMT1102 (Business Math) at BCIT had moved back to China (I always forget the name of that city; it's in the northeast) earlier this year in March or something after her divorce with a s/w developer she married 8 years ago (now working in CA).... she came to Richmond in August for a few weeks. Too bad we never met up but I told her about my desire to do a car trip (a desire that I had for probably almost a year now) and she told me that if she came back then she would go with me. Anyway, I would go whether anybody else came along or not. I simply just wanted to site-see, take pictures, drive, enjoy the weather, and check out various cities in CA especially SanFran.
So back to the girl I mentioned in the beginning. Her cute looks don't seem to be there anymore. She had sunglasses so I couldn't see her eyes but her cheeks were more buldged and rough. I sound really bad saying this but not finding her cute face anymore I suddenly lost all interest. Of course, I never knew her in the first place and she's in CA anyway but still. And because I remember what I said before in the earlier writing (link above) about regrets and stuff, I should get my foot on the ground, be a nicer guy and realize that people's looks will change over time. Comparing with my Gr.12 pictures, 19-yr old pictures, and 24 yr-old pictures there doesn't really seem to be much difference. Unless of course I didn't get enough sleep and then my eyes might look smaller especially when I smile big. As for my hair? Heck, it was never stylish most of the time. I pray that I can find the one for me and that we will love each other and live together to an old age. I think I would want us to have our own family and our own home. Is that three distinct requests and are they together too big to ask for? Can I not have them? I would like to have them please. Thank you.

On another page, I would just like to say something regarding my parents. A while ago, it occurred to me that maybe my Mom had always wanted a daughter. But being the more passive one, she let my Dad win the deal and they got a son as a result. My Mom puts up a lot with my Dad I think. This one time, I was asking my Mom what are the usual reasons why people want to get married. I went over the guy's point of view but then when I began with the woman's, my Mom seemed silent. That's when I thought maybe I should ask someone else. Or maybe not even ask any woman? I had already thought that my Mom would be okay with answering anything as she is quite straightforward about things but her silence on this made me stopped immediately. Maybe there was a history that I don't know about. So, anyway, as I was saying... I think my Mom puts up a lot with my Dad. My Mom tends to get anxious about things and my Dad's booming sharp voice and "big man" attitude to my Mom is often non-supportive. It can piss me off sometimes that I would actually just tell him off right there and then. I mean, he treats her quite well often too but he also has his fits of selfishness where he only cares about himself, his own image or just whatever he wants to let off or be bossy. My Mom would be obedient despite rising blood pressure. Maybe that's a sacrifice that Mom has to make for getting what she needed (and what she needed is something that only Dad could give). I don't know. I just wish that he can be less selfish or at least be more wise about how to help my Mom alleviate her blood pressure, reduce her waist size or correct her postures. But I could never, and probably should never, be too direct and upfront to my Dad about him being selfish because, after all, he did one of the most non-selfish things a person can do by adopting. I mean, we've had our differences and they have had their dissatisfactions of me as I do of them.
But at least we're still united as a healthy and unbroken family (ie: father, mother, child). For a long time I wanted to make a video of me verbally letting out all my frustrations and stuff - basically everything I've already talked about on these writings in the past years. My mind has spinned to such point that lately I would even think about what might happen if dialogues happen such that I would end up grabbing a kitchen knife and hacking myself. Or in a situation like last weekend where I got silently pissed at my Dad and Aunt 5 (ie: didn't yell, just ignored them and stood outside the restaurant waiting for an available table), I would publicly empty my pockets and then proceed to removing all my articles before exiting the place. The concept would be to return everything to them because that is all I have available. But, oh wait, the PIN number for my bank cards would not be enough. Okay, so the public stripping won't do since I have to look normal in order to step into a bank and do a cash transfer/withdrawal.

But then what, I ended up thinking. Because my first thought was that if they had all the money I owed them then I would no longer owe them anything anymore since they seem to be so dissatisfied with me. I would return as much as I can and then all that remains would be my life. My own pitiful life that they can also take if they so choose. But does that really solve anything if I took just one more step back and looked at the bigger picture? I had an appointment with my family doctor today to have my ears washed out and Mom managed to sneak in a time as well to get her blood pressure report. Later we went to London Drugs and tried the blood pressure machine there. Dad goes with his attitude thing again, saying "if you had listened to me 3 years ago, then your blood pressure would've been totally okay now and you wouldn't have to take any more pills". Of course, he should know that it isn't possible for that to happen given Mom's other physical conditions and limits. But that's how Dad's like. He likes to say these kinds of things as if he doesn't care for the other person's own actual situation. And so I think I should find ways to deal with my issues and any disagreements with my parents' concept of exercising
parental care and what works best for me without upsetting them. And I do this especially for Mom. She already doesn't have a daughter and she already has to put up with my Dad's ego. And her health is at risk because of that. It is already not fair for her. I don't want to add to it. I will have to try to find a balance. I mean, I can't possibly try to completely deny myself and transform myself into somebody that I'm just not just to please my parents and do exactly what they expect me to do when they press a button. Can I?? I didn't come with buttons and switches.
Right?

2016 A.D.

I can see things. I can see certain things in certain people. Some are really funny, some are really sad. With that being said, I should also state that I have a fairly good imagination as well. But still, I can see things. And sometimes the things that I can see can be quite dead on accurate. Now, one thing I should say is that I don't believe in FungShui or astrology or any of those see-the-future things. I don't think I really understand them anyway. But it does seem to me that there is a certain order in the universe that makes us able to come up with those various fields of astrology and Buddhism. After all, we naturally have a tendency to inquire. And what we inquire about is not necessarily physical, it could also have been borne from another level of understanding reality. From our observation and contemplation of things, we discover order in everything. Indeed, this order has allowed us to discover order itself and we can reason thus. My limited intelligence allows me to believe that the existence of this order cannot have been due to complete randomness. Fate, whatever the definition is, could not have been a result of randomness. But randomness might be because of fate if fate is a word that is used to explain how two or more objects of existence can share the same time and space. If that is what fate is, then it should follow that fate precedes time and space. But what about the concept of "will"? Can fate be used to explain a being that possesses a sense of accomplishment (ie: the will for something to happen)? If will precedes fate, then there must be a being who is beyond time and space since only a being can have will. Anyway, I'm not trying to write a treatise to prove anything here. I'm writing this simply out of the urge to express a part of me. And what it is is that I see things. And some of the things that I see are not cool.

Today's second reading as well as the homily was about Philipians 1:21. Some time during the latter half of the previous decade, I had a dream. I had a dream that I died and went to heaven. I saw heaven and it was beautiful. That being said, I guess I should also add that I've also seen hell. I cannot authenticate that what I saw was heaven or what I saw was hell. But I think it's good enough for me to be assured of what to expect should I enter either place. I know the meaning of Phil 1:21. I have also contemplated my life before death and my life after.

But I'm just not ready. There is simply so much I want to see and experience. So much I want to do and be. One might think that it should be easier for me to let go since I already know what to expect. But I don't want to let go. There's just too much. Recently I learned that a friend I met ten years ago in Victoria had passed away 2 months ago. He died of sarcoma cancer. My grandmother died 22 years ago of rectal cancer (she did #2's every three days). And my mom recently told me of a guy in her dance class who passed away from cancer. I have also had feelings that I would die of cancer - cancer to do with the blood or some organ in my torso. Like I said, I see things. I see my parents sob while I lie in the wooden box. I see this box containing a guy who isn't even forty yet being carried away by men some of whom I call "uncle" and some of who I refer to as my "buddy". In the bathroom, that face and young body I see in the mirror will not wrinkle and turn old. Instead it will rot under the clothes that cover it after the box has lowered three feet beneath the grass and has rested. Will I still be around 8 years from now? I don't want to go before my parents. It cannot be said that they have done their job as James Tong's parents and now they should let it all go and live the rest of their lives as they originally were - a couple without child. I don't want to go down grandma's path.

All this negativity collecting up could simply have resulted from recent worries mixed with phases that I'm sure we all go through. So why 8 years? I don't know - it's just an approximate figure. The year 2016 does seem kind of early as does dying in my 30's. It looked like it could happen. When I look at some of the people around me, I see some of them making it well into their senior years. Well, as for me, what about 2056?

Will my writing (and public posting) of this and sheer pondering of this bring about my death earlier than would be otherwise? Or can it please be a prayerful request that I be granted a long life to the One who precedes fate? After all, not everything I see is dead on accurate. My heart beats rapidly as I type this. But part of my personality is being curious to try, especially if I think there won't be a difference if a consequence cannot be immediately perceived. Trouble has been stirred up before because of decisions made to try something out of curiosity or sense of adventure. I can only understand, I can never really control. I can only turn to the One who can actually control. I could not see my 2000 Civic Si-G being around in my life as the next couple stages of life go by. There are some things that I see that would never happen. Maybe they happened in parallel universes but certainly not here. I don't, by the way, believe in parallel universes. And then there are some things that I can imagine and that I really hope can happen.

There can be a conclusive thought after all this spinning, and that is quite simply that I cannot let this "I can see things" affect me. The fact is, I cannot control time and space. I cannot control fate. I am better off simply to recognize that there is someone else who can and that I should simply rely on Him. At least, I can be more relaxed and have a peace of mind. So....

LET IT BE A PRAYER! LET IT BE A PRAYER!

Let it not speed up the shortening of distance between now and the end!

AGAIN, LET IT BE A PRAYER! LET IT BE A PRAYER!

use right hand or left hand?!

I've been at my current job for 8 days now and there are things to look forward to but also a couple of sh*tty issues as well. What I can look forward to is learning more about the A/P role and gaining more experience. But you know what, I had this thought earlier today that this should be the last time. Not only for an A/P role but also that maybe I shouldn't be doing this clerical processing stuff anymore. Maybe I should be doing higher-level stuff. But in order for that to happen, I have to get my act together and finish my courses. Get the certificate or CMA or whatever and move on. I just don't think I'm suitable for this kind of work. It seems simple, and it probably is to most people, but somehow I struggle with it. Ripping reports, scanning/reading tabular documents (eg: invoices, reports), sorting and filing into folders, etc.

I've been doing this stuff for 8 days whereas all the other people there have been doing it for at least 8 years. I think it's easy for them to think that I should be able to get the hang of it after 2 weeks. And I am getting the hang of it. It's just that I'm not mentally and physically processing the stuff as fast as they seem to be expecting of me. So either I'm not as fast as I should be or they just have unrealistic expectations. I wonder if they have had anybody do thist stuff as fast as them after less than 2 weeks? If they have, did those individuals do similar stuff in a previous job? Because I haven't.
My old job was more data entry, more computer work, less volume with regards to paper work, less details, no invoices, and no reports. Here was the opposite. I'm okay with that but it concerns me that their expectations and my current performance are not matching up. Either they are not realistic or I'm not good enough. I've had struggles regarding speed in a number of other jobs. And it was always the physical handling of paperwork, not data entry or computer work, that slow me down.
So I think that in the long-term I should probably be doing something else than this sort of thing. Not only because of the type of work, but also the salary too. I cannot imagine myself still doing this after 35 years old. And certainly not 40.
I want to be here just for the experience, kill time while I study, and make the dough I need to pay for the things that I need or want. But I will need to make it through until at least January of 2010. Hopefully that's when I would have already done the CMA exam and know the score so that I can continuing making plans. If I don't pass, then I'll just finish the last few courses and get that accounting certificate. And then probably do an operations management diploma. But that one is offered only as full-time at BCIT so maybe I would have to look at other schools. There is part-time too but I'll have to see how to plan out the career path because right now I don't have a lot of idea. BCIT offers a number of options but I dont't know which one is more suitable for me. For accounting I know because I understand the field a lot more. But I mean, I only took accounting because it was easier to find a job. Never really had an interest in tracing the whereabouts of pennies. Maybe higher-level stuff would be more applicable to me, but I have to study for it.

Anyways, back to the topic at hand. So I was separating reports like I do every day two times a day. At first I was separating the reports by each P.O. # and then folding them. But my co-worker "MW" was able to do it so fast that I was wondering how she did it. I didn't watch her but I heard constant ripping sounds. So I decided that maybe ripping them page by page first before folding would improve the process. And it did. I'm sure she showed me doing it that way, but I guess it didn't stick to the top of my head long enough. So anyway I was ripping each page and simply piling them up until I was finished. I had my left hand holding down the unripped report while my right hand was separating the page. Another co-worker "AT" (she was gr.10 at Charles Best when I was gr.8) thought I was doing something else and showed me how she does it. It turned out, to me anyway, that what she was doing was also what I was doing - ripping page by page into a pile and then folding. The difference were: speed and.... she had her right hand holding down the stack and used her left hand to pull the pages off. As I couldn't see what the real difference was, process-wise, I continued doing what I was doing even though she mentioned to use the right-hand to hold down the paper and left-hand to rip the pages. So she goes, "Are you not happy with the way I showed you?" and I was like, "I don't see the difference."

But you know what, this is so f*cking lame that I can't believe it's actually happening. I can't believe I'm actually being dictated to use left hand or right hand. What the hell?!
But f*ck it, I'll use my right-hand to hold down the paper and my left-hand to rip if that makes them happy. I'm not sure what these people are thinking. While AT was showing me, MT (who normally teaches me the stuff) came by and saw and thought I wasn't doing how she does it and thought I just liked to do my own thing and not take people's advice. What the f*ck. Why do I have to use my right-hand to hold down the report while my left-hand is doing all the action? AT knows that I'm right-handed. Just because she's been spending the past 8 years doing it that way and she's also right-handed doesn't mean I have to do it the same way. It would be such a f*cking waste of time debating over left-hand versus right-hand. My Mom uses her left-hand to hold chopsticks but she writes with her right. So is she left-handed or right-handed? Well, why the f*ck would it matter?? I'm right-handed but there are things that I do better with my left than with my right. Right-hand left-hand shouldn't even be the issue here because it's symetrical. As long as the process is the same. And the process is the same. The only functional difference (ie: what really matters) between me and AT is that her hand movements are faster. Another thing is I tend to pull the page in 2 or 3 rips rather than one long rip. That will make a difference in the speed. She pointed that out and I'm fine with that. But the left-hand right-hand thing? And she (and MW) thinking that I wasn't doing the way they did it,... that is just so f*cked up.
It's not like I just like to blank my mind out against people and just do whatever the hell I want without listening to people. My hands aren't as fast as them. My eyes aren't as used to reading the stuff as they are. And my mind isn't as fast as they are when it comes to the mental processes that develop and kick in for each specific task. In other words, this hasn't become 2nd-nature to me yet. Yes I've been doing it every day now for 8 days. But excuse me, that's eight days, not eight years. Give me a break. F*ck.

 

What's going on, everybody having their period at the same time or what??

Another example, and it came up today too, was when I was helping "AS" pull "Receiving" (ie: the backup that we get every morning from Receiving) to match with the invoices that were received separately apart from the shipping. I asked if I was to put it in one pile and AS said yes. And later MW said I have to listen to what I was told. What the. But then it was a miscommunication. I should've stated the steps clearly to confirm before I proceeded. AS probably thought I meant the Receiving that I found for the invoice would go one pile. Because she did say to put the other invoices back in the folder. Somehow my mind ignored that and asked her if they went in one pile. I was thinking it to be odd that I should be putting it all in one pile, but I didn't speak up to clarify. And I guess in this job I have to really speak and clarify things. MW even said not to assume anything. But one challenge for me to overcome is to work my mind with these people. I would ask something or start saying something to clarify but before I was able to finish, they would interrupt and do their own explanations. So then I would have to reset my mind and process things according to their explanation and not stick with whatever mental process that is currently running about as I try to understand things. So then my face may go blank for a moment as I readjust, they see it and think I'm slow in understanding. Well, maybe I am, I'm not sure. It's just that my mind is running a certain train of thought that is different from that of my co-workers and I'm jumping from one train to the other. Especially AS, she speaks so fast that I haven't even finished processing what she said and then she'll repeat or say more and then I would have to interrupt my current mental process, put that aside and run another process to interpret the new statements she may be making. But one thing I dislike even more is that when I try to say something in my own words in an effort to understand a procedure, MW seems to ignore that and simply repeat herself in her words. In other words, she seems to expect me to understand things according to the explanations as she has given them and in the exact words that she used. If I tried to explain the same thing in my own way, it wasn't accepted. Well, that kind of sucks. In my previous job, SY totally allowed me to explain things my way so that I can understand. MW doesn't seem to allow that. What the f*ck.

Yet another example, also from today, was this particular invoice. It was actually an invoice from "Sysco Corporate" (ie: the headquarters in Houston) but I wasn't thinking that it was that, so when I was given a pile of those invoices and was told they were already sorted according to P.O. #, I got a little confused. I was confused because I knew I had to pull Receiving and match it up with each invoice. But the Receiving folders were all placed alphabetically according to vendor name. MW thought I wasn't doing what I was told. Hello?? It just simply didn't occur to me that those were invoices from Houston. Because if it did, then of course I won't have been confused because I also know that the Receiving for Sysco Corporate are filed by P.O. number.
And besides, I am not the type of person who will blindly and robotically do what I'm told without understanding why. And understanding means to understand that particular process or detail in relation to the whole picture. So if you only tell me details, then there is nothing to understand. All I would be doing is simply memorizing stuff. It's kind of like the difference between data and information. Data is just numbers and stuff that don't actually mean anything if it can't be used. Information is Data that is meaningful and can be used to make decisions.

So is there anything wrong with my thinking? Am I missing anything here? What can/should I do in order to form a bridge at par with my co-workers? I mean, this is only the second week. How am I going to make it through the next 20 months?

death

I've always been afraid of death. I'm not sure there's anything else I'm actually afraid of. My mom isn't afraid. She told me she's only afraid of pain but not afraid of death. As I get older, and losing my youth, I begin realizing it more and more... maybe even by the half-year. The seniors who were once around are going one by one. The horrific tragedies that I've read. Not just Nanking but also just last Tuesday I watched the movie "Karol: the man who became a Pope". The 3-hour movie wasn't bad. A good half of it was about the Nazi wrongdoings. In particular, the lead female role said "Are they made in His image? Where is God?". These words so gripped my heart. As I have said in my post on the Nanjing Massacre, these creatures of God, like the rest of us, were all victims of evil. Especially when I recall the vivid image of hell that popped up around 1992 one day, one can never desire anybody to go there. But then, like I also said in my Nanjing Massacre blog, I never had a gun pointed at me nor have I ever witnessed any killing of humans so maybe I shouldn't speak so quickly.

Anyways, back to the topic. I think another psychological activity that goes on perhaps even at the subconscious level (as opposed to conscious) was that I sometimes just don't even want to live. I think I wrote this somewhere before. I didn't ask to exist. But then it's also a constant pull in two opposite directions because I also find things that make me really happy and look forward to experiencing again and again. And yet still another thing is there were memories of feelings that I've had when I saw certain environments or images that I'm not sure I can reproduce anymore. I mean, you can stand in a vast field of green grass under a blue sky as a kid or an adult two decades later and smell the same smells that once put a broad smile on your face and the feeling still isn't the same. When you were a kid, you didn't really have anything to be concerned about. You were full of energy and you just quite naturally enjoyed the simplicity and pureness of things. Because that's all you could see. When you become an adult, you become very conscious of something called "reality" and you know that it isn't usually as bright as the sky that stood above that field.

The things that make me look forward to, they erase my mood to look down on my life and my mood to just get rid of it. And I realize that recently after turning 30, things that made me disappointed to the bone while growing up (more on that below) would begin stirring up thoughts about just simply forgetting about this whole damn thing and end it all. But then, on the other hand, I also recall that I wrote somewhere once that I did not want to die at such an early age of even 50-something. And that all these negative thoughts would take a toll on my mind and my body so that I start getting cancer or heart problems, and then lose the will to fight, etc. That just seemed so silly if I was to bring about my own death like that. That would really suck if I caused my death to come earlier than otherwise would've because I was spinning my mind. It just isn't worth it...to be so afraid of death and yet be spending so much time and effort spinning my mind over things. Things that I'm sure there's a way to solve or overcome. I mean, if there isn't, then why I am spinning over them? Was I just not being realistic and not learning to accept it as a fact of life and then just move on? Or...am I convinced there are actually ways to resolve the issues? And what are the issues? Let's discuss them...

I was adopted. My Mom couldn't physically have children but they wanted to have a child whom they can raise to be a good and useful citizen of society. That has always been the hope they have expressed for me. Have I let them down? I mean, I've certainly done things that they weren't pleased with. I've lied, I've cheated, I've misbehaved in school. Come on, how many kids that ever existed on this planet have never done anything wrong? Not to say that it's an excuse or that I'm trying to justify myself. But still. And yet I feel there were also times when I did something that may not have happened had it not been for how my parents treated me. Now, I must say that they did not treat me wrong. But what I am saying, and I've said this in at least two other writings, is that their manifestations of their beliefs were not compatible with my own personal ideas. Yes, adoption was one manifestation that is an exception. I mean, I thank them and love them for it. Up to this day, I still see their love and bravery as being at a level I have yet if ever to achieve. Nonetheless, I have my own innate character and will accordingly develop my own ideas about things depending on the environment I developed in.

I am human after all, right? I'm not a machine; I don't have buttons for you to press to tell me to do precisely what you want. I got a mind of my own. My Dad sometimes talks to me about "psychology" and telling me to read books on it. I seriously think they should be the ones to be lectured on this. Mom tells me to read books like novels because they write about human interaction and behavior. That's quite reasonable. I used to read Famous 5, Tom Swift and Encyclopedia Brown novels, do those count? But I haven't really read any novels since after elementary school. The ones in high school don't count because they were read only because I had to. I tried to keep with my tradition of reading books that allow me to imagine and fantasize things by selecting Superman III in grade 8 but that was it. So anyways what I'm trying to say is this... I feel that my parents never really considered my feelings. Yes there were relatively minor stuff here and there, but the really important stuff, they failed to do.

From since I was little, I wanted to express my thoughts. I had ideas and I felt I had the right to express them. But they were all utterly suppressed. My parents' idea was they they've had more salt than I've had rice. They've had more years of experience in life than I have. Therefore I'm supposed to not say anything and just accept whatever they gave me. I always thought this was bullsh*t and I still think so today. How can you guarantee that you have all the right answers and that all your ideas are applicable to me? I don't care how old you are; that doesn't guarantee anything. There are certain things that are pretty much the same across the board in any place and at any time (eg: manners) but you can't be absolute about it all. All I wanted was to be able to share my feelings and ideas. But my parents dismissed it. I am not a person of much confidence and I easily end up spinning my mind about things. But even given that, there are still principles which I so firmly believe in and don't see myself doubting (yes, I realize I have limited knowledge, but still). These are not affected by my lack of self-confidence.

So from very early on, I have convinced myself that I'm right. That I have the right to express my ideas. They always say that I don't listen to them. In fact, I do. I don't necessarily agree with them or obey them. But I listened. But did they ever listened to me? I am not asking for acceptance; I'm only asking for ears. I just wanted them to be willing to know what I think about things. I've expressed my frustrations to a few of my friends. But they're just friends; they're not my parents. To me, it doesn't matter if the rest of the 6 billion people on this planet knew what I was thinking if my parents didn't want to know. Especially because these are issues that concern my parents, not anybody else. In a family with children, the parents are the most important to the child. It is the parents who feed the children, clothe them, take care of their basic needs. It is also the parents who educate them about life, nurture them well, and show them by example good ways of co-existing with others. I think all children intrinsically know this and expect this. When I become unhappy, I cry. But they don't let me. They say "What is there to be so sad about? Don't cry!". What were they thinking? Did they think I was just being unreasonably and naughty and disobedient? Or did they think I just wanted attention? Because I viewed them to be mean, I had to shut up. I was afraid they would get angry at me more. I didn't want to be abandoned. I wanted us to be happy and affectionate. I wanted to continue feeling loved and be able to snuggle in their arms from time to time. And yet, I also question myself, "Why am I putting up with this?" Am I incorrect in believing that I have the right to say things? But I'm sure that I'm not incorrect. My request was simple and very reasonable. And yet I'm stuck here facing this and yet helpless to do anything. And so I blame myself..and then my confidence just accordingly spirals down like water down a sink.

So then when my parents yell at me for wasting time or money or something practical from their point of view, I would get pissed. Because, while money and time are important to me as is to anyone else, there are other things that are equally as important to me. But they don't consider it. Or maybe they just don't think it's as important. But that doesn't mean they're not important; cuz I feel it's important. If you don't care about those other things that are important to me, then why be so uptight about only the things you think are important? Here's an example which I have used before: my computer desk. About 3 years ago, we bought a computer desk from Walmart for like $45 or something. It was a box of boards and screws that you had to assemble together yourself. Mom kept asking Dad to watch over me and help me do it. I refused. If they helped me in any way, even just watching me do it, I would not only not thank them, but I would be mad and just remember it. It would not have gone down well. It may only be a simple activity of screwing a few boards together but it meant a lot to me. Because of its simplicity, I really wanted to do it myself. It would give me a much needed boost of confidence that can take me a long way forward. I would be able to say to myself that I can do it. I could even mentally plan some little projects in the future - something for me to look forward to in life. If I was denied even just this little opportunity to gain confidence, and it was my Mom & Dad who denied me the opportunity, I would feel very upset and not cared for. All the soup and healthy tea that my Mom boils for me in the world would mean absolutely nothing. You know what I mean? It's that important to me.

In the beginning, anger only gets manifested in the mind. But if nothing is done, it can become physical. It happened to me. And perhaps it happened to anybody else who ended up shooting people or killing themselves. Yes, those people were described as "insane". Well, I think they have their reasons...and these reasons may actually be quite legit and more down-to-earth than a lot of other people who describe themselves as "normal". I mean, people aren't necessarily born to be upset and kill themselves or others. They're humans like everyone else. They can suffer emotional burdens as well. But if they don't receive needed support, they can suffer breakdown. Is that unreasonable? Is that nonsense? One time, I got so frustrated with my mom that I ended up slapping myself in the forehead. Another time after that, I slapped myself in the nose and immediately got a nosebleed. And then there was the photo-taking incident at the church. I've wrote on it elsewhere. This one time, maybe about 5 or 6 years ago, when they were preparing to build the new church on where the playground used to be and Archbishop Roussin came for a ceremony and all the men in the church were encouraged to bring a shovel. Dad wanted to look good in the pictures posing with his shovel. The battery ran out and I just decided to stay put instead of walking away. I tried looking around for Dad but couldn't see him from where I was standing so I just continued standing there. I didn't think about walking around to find him. Maybe in the back of my mind, I was afraid that if he saw me walking around instead of taking pictures of him, he would get mad. Well, by the looks of it, he might've gotten mad no matter whether I went around to find him or whether he found me standing there. Or was it still a lack of judgement on my part? I mean, even if he got pissed at me for walking around instead of taking pictures, I can still say that there was no battery and I was just wondering if you had any. That should shut him up. But anyway, I didn't go anywhere and after he learned that I couldn't take pictures, he blew up calling me "chuhn" (dumb) again and again. I got so pissed that I can tell you right now, if I had a shovel in my hand, I would have wacked myself with it. So from forehead to nosebleed to hitting myself with an iron shovel. See the pattern and direction? At that moment in my life, all the frustrations that were not easing and were just getting more physical, and the fact that my Dad was saying the very things that attacked my self-confidence (my weakest spot) was enough to set me off doing what I can only think of doing...as a final and ultimate expression of loss of hope and full of despair. Of course, I would probably yell back something first. Like....

"Yes, I'm dumb! So what? If you so mind that you have such a dumb son, then you can kill me! I won't blame you! In fact, let me help you!! That way, I don't have to ever see that frown on your face anymore and there would not be anybody anymore in your life to make you unhappy!" And then just wack myself.

Or, alternatively... imagine if I had a gun...

I could end up pointing at myself and them back and forth. I mean, at that moment, I would be so pissed thinking that they caused me to be the way I am today. For some yet-to-be-explained reason, I may desire to be more fully unified with them by ending their lives as well. I had such a strong will to reach out to their hearts and show them mine. I desired communication. Connection. Maybe it's a love gone wrong. I desired oneness and unity. I blame and shame of myself, and yet I also see my parents as being a part of me (whether biological or adoptive), so if only I died, we would not be fully united. You know what I mean? How's that for the psychology of a suicidal person?

And yet, it is a terrible sin to take your own life. I hear that you could never go to heaven. Not sure how true that is, but I think that's what the CCC says. It already sucks enough to cause oneself to die earlier but to kill oneself and not be able to go to heaven because I couldn't get anybody to listen to me? What the....

Supreme Master (initial)

The following are twisted and sick thoughts that I shouldn't have in my head, but I do anyway, so I'm going to write it down for the record. Only.

The first time I saw the poster of 清海無大師 (before her blond hair dye), I didn't think too much. And then I saw her blond hair one and started having thoughts. Not necessarily because she was blond, but I guess I was just imagining things. I didn't think she was 58; I was thinking she was like maybe 40 or so. Anyways, my thoughts were that she's doing all this preaching about achieving enlightenment and whatever and I was thinking what happens if she was kidnapped and r*ped. Like, by several men of different physiques and looks. First it would be a tanned body builder with oil rubbed everywhere so that all the definitions are displayed well. And then a whimpy Asian guy with glasses and buckteeth who's never done it before. And then an overweight drunkass with hairy body. And then a lean athletic very black guy. And then finally a regular size athletic handsome white guy. It would be in that order and all these guys would be paid using funds from 清海無大師's jewelry & fashion businesses. Enlightened? I don't believe it....

There could be Day #2 as well with some of the guys above, both one by one and gangb*ng, if she refuses to eat meat and kill animals. The way it would work is that she would be placed on a mechanic apparatus similar to medical mechanized bed/chair except is a lot more complex with various other arms and whatever. She must exert and maintain a continuous amount of force on something in order to prevent anything bad from happening to the animal(s) in front of her. Or maybe she has to choose between eating meat or have s*x with one of the guys mentioned above. There could be women involved too. Except I don't want any of the guys to touch the women. So this complicates things a bit. Maybe we'll have to do women first, and then men. And then trans*xuals? Haha.
But whether there is Day #2 or not, things should still wrap up with an awesome b*ng with a handsome muscular guy.

And finally pictures and videos of all the above, her company computer systems and any visual presentations hacked and playing/displaying the graphic material. She may never make any public appearance again but the displays will still be done.

Okay! That's it! No more of these twisted thoughts!